


and we feel so american, laying in the road

by hardnutting



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Car Accidents, First Crush, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Street Racing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardnutting/pseuds/hardnutting
Summary: Cody doesn't remember where he met Noel Miller, but he is not like any of his other friends. He has so much going for him, and the life he lives is not the one he deserves, but Noel makes it work. Cody watches as he dedicates his life to the racing, and in one fell swoop, watches as it's all taken away from him.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 33
Kudos: 122





	1. was a shoe-in for "crash of the day"

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first tmg fic! it is very long, i apologize, but i hope you appreciate it! noel's passion for cars and racing got me inspired around his birthday this year, so i wrote this FICTIONAL PIECE about an au where he dabbles in street racing. i hope you enjoy it! title and chapter names are taken from the song "waste", by brand new. tw for anxiety attacks and car accidents.

Cody’s Uber drops him off down the street from Noel’s apartment. They’re new friends, and Cody would’ve walked right past the apartment building if Noel wasn’t standing outside, toolbox balancing on the curb, working on pushing car jacks underneath his old, dingy Honda. For a while, Cody just watches the other man work - his eyes watch the way Noel’s hands tighten around the handle and the way his biceps flex whenever he pumps it up and down. After scraping his eyes away from the other, Cody examines the car. It’s scratched from the right side passenger door to just before the gas tank, and he even moves forward and falls to one knee to run the pads of his fingers against the chipped paint and dented door.

“What happened?” He asks. No greeting, just a simple, curious question. Noel doesn’t flinch, he instead grabs the other jack and works on raising the car from the asphalt on the other side. Cody lifts his head and follows him with his gaze.

“I can’t fix the paint,” Noel says, still not looking at Cody. “I have to get that detailed. But this piece of shit-” frustration builds quick in his voice, but dies down when he focuses on jacking up the other side of the car, “the brakes are all fucked. I bought these light-weight brake rotors, and when my new rims come in it should be more aerodynamic.” 

Cody loses Noel on the other side of the car. He moves to stand back up, turning around and finding the box containing these new brakes. _Fully Floating 2-Piece Brake Rotors_ , the piece of paper inside reads, and when Cody unfolds it to read more, something metallic falls out and dings on the curb. It rolls under the car, and he curses.

“Shit, sorry.” He falls to the ground and looks underneath to see where the piece went, and when he reaches his hand under, his fingers brush Noel’s. They both pull away and stand up.

Noel wraps back around the car, twirling the piece in his hand. “It’s fine,” there’s the smallest smile on his lips, “these are the bobbins.” 

Cody shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, man.” He claps a hand on the roof of the car. “This is, what, a ‘90s Civic? Why are you putting these nice, shiny brakes on it?”

“It’s a ‘98 Prelude,” Noel begins, sitting on the sidewalk and then twisting his body to grab his toolbox, “and I race in it. If I didn’t replace the brakes, one sharp turn and what? Crumple around a telephone pole?”

Cody sits next to Noel on the curb. “Jesus, man.” There’s a lapse in their conversation. Finally, Cody breaks it with: “I didn’t know people actually did street races. I thought they only did that shit in _Redline_.” 

“Oh my god, seriously, _Redline_?”

Cody breaks into laughter. “Okay, what about _The_ _Fast and The Furious_? That’s a street racing movie, right?” Noel makes a noise of affirmation, never looking to Cody. He’s too focused on removing the wheel. Once it’s finally off, he moves to a kneeling position on the concrete and finally looks up at the other man. His eyebrows are taut, and Cody can instantly tell that he’s about to do some shitty impression.

“ _Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning._ ” Noel chuckles. “I could probably recite the entire first movie.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, dude? And you called _me_ a nerdy bitch for working this software developing job?”

“I’m not wrong,” Noel smiles, hitting some part of the wheel a few times with his hammer and after that, there are more intricate parts and Cody loses track of what, exactly, Noel was doing. However, he initiates more conversation while replacing his brakes. “How’s that job going, by the way?”

Cody straightens up, moving his body so he’s facing Noel. “I mean, pretty good. Working with Devon is a lot of fun- wait,” he shakes his head, “don’t change the subject. _That’s_ what you do? You actually race cars? For a living?”

Another little noise, and Noel falls silent again as he sprays WD-40 on his wheel. “It’s kind of a living, I guess. If you win. I’m not like, NASCAR, you know. It’s just street racing. Some of these guys I know, they’re gangbangers on the side but that shit isn’t for me. I just have a lot of free time since I got laid off and this shit is kind of fun, and there’s always races in L.A. or Long Beach.” 

Cody almost can’t believe it. “This is insane. Isn’t this shit, like, really fucking illegal?”

Noel’s brows are tight again, but this time he’s just concentrating. Cody watches as Noel removes other bits and pieces, and then extends a dirty, grime and rust covered hand towards him. Cody’s eyes are wide when he looks at him. Noel points more urgently at the rotor, and he finally grabs it and passes it to Noel. “It is,” he finally says, back to multitasking. “I mean, it’s really bad in San Diego. I think there you could get fined or arrested just for attending races. But here, they keep it more lowkey sometimes. It’s usually fine. I got a race on Thursday. I doubt my new rims will be here in time, but I gotta get this shit detailed before then.”

Shyness blooms up from Cody’s stomach. But curiosity gets the better of him, and he finally says it: “Can I come?”

Noel stops working entirely. “What?”

“Could I come? On Thursday? What time is the race?”

“Um,” Noel sputters, “they’re usually at like eleven, sometimes start around midnight or later. I- uh, doesn’t the _wittle back-end tech developer_ have a bedtime? You shouldn’t come to this shit.”

“Fuck you, dude. I’m a grown ass man, and I want to do grown ass man shit. Like go to this totally illegal street race, watch my new friend tear shit up with his new brakes.” Cody slows down when he remembers that Noel said that sometimes, gang members attend these races. His confidence has already dug a hole this deep, and it’s too late to dig himself fully out of it. But Noel, he just sits there, hands gripping the tools, and after what feels like forever, he shrugs.

“Okay,” he says. “Sometimes afterwards we go to the strip club. But I usually-”

“Hell yes. Now I’m absolutely going.”

Noel rolls his eyes. “But I usually just take some friends home, smoke some bud and go to bed.” Cody watches as Noel works on putting the tire back on. “People get arrested at this shit, Cody, just gotta let you know. One of my guys told me a drive-by happened at one of the races he went to.”

Cody’s silent.

“But I can pick you up at nine or ten,” Noel continues. He’s smiling, real small, but it’s still there on his lips. “Where do you live? The Hills?”

He burns red from the collar up. “I do not live in the Hills.”

***

Thursday night, there’s a 1998 Honda Prelude circling the block of Cody’s back-end tech developing job. He sees it when he finally clocks out, and it’s parked down the block. The windows are cracked open, and the driver’s seat is positioned so Noel can lean back. Cody almost feels attracted to it, the way his feet automatically bring his body to the passenger’s side. When he bends over to talk to Noel through the window, which slides open as soon as Noel sees him, his fingers unconsciously rub the scratched paint on the door. Cody is smiling. “How do you know where I work?”

“You literally tried to get me a job with you,” Noel looks unamused at first, which almost startles Cody before he breaks into a laugh. “Can you act less like I’m picking you up from middle school and just get in the car?”

Cody listens, opening the passenger’s side door and throwing his messenger bag onto the floor before throwing his ass down on the seat. “ _Dude_ ,” Noel stresses, “be careful. This car has racing suspension. You throw your fatass down like that again, we’re gonna start hitting asphalt and sparking.”

The playful insult gets an immediate eye roll. “I am not fat,” Cody says, and Noel breaks into a loud, obnoxious laugh. As soon as Cody’s buckled in, Noel turns the car back on and easily, as if it were second nature, pulls the car into first gear and then second, then third as they accelerate away from Cody’s job. When they’re a considerable distance away, that’s when Cody realizes that Noel really had just shown up out of the blue and whisked him away, out of nowhere. “Where are we going?” He asks.

“There’s this sub shop in Long Beach kind of close to where the race is gonna be. My man, Cale, sometimes he comes to these races to take pictures. We’re gonna go there before, eat, then race.” Noel takes his eyes off the road to look at Cody. “Is that good with you?”

Suddenly, with Noel’s eyes on him, Cody feels self-conscious. “Yeah,” the intrusive thought rolls into his brain like an unpinned grenade and explodes - _This feels like a date_ \- and he stuns himself into silence. He resorts to pushing himself against the car door, looking outside and watching the streets come and go as they go from Los Angeles to Long Beach. The drive isn’t long, and it’s not awkward without conversation, but Noel moves and turns on the radio, anyway.

He switches the stations until it lands on an old school hip-hop station. The song is unfamiliar to Cody but Noel taps away on the steering wheel, only moving his hands when he has to upshift into another gear. Cody’s never driven a manual car, and just a glimpse of the three pedals underneath Noel’s feet gives him anxiety. He turns and looks at Noel and, even if the silence was comfortable, found himself wanting to know more about him. “How’d you get into street racing, anyway?”

Noel turns down the volume on the radio. There’s a little lapse before his reply, as if he was really thinking about his answer. “I guess…” He shakes his head, taking his lower lip between his teeth. When he lets it go, the smile that overtakes his face is huge. “It really was _The Fast and The Furious_ . I don’t know, have you seen the Civics in those movies? Racing bomber body kits, turbo engines with nitrous? When you’re 12 years old watching the first _Furious_ movie, that shit is really dope.” When they ease into a red light, Noel finally turns to look at Cody. He laughs, loud, lifting the hand that was curled around the gear shift to hit the other man. “Stop looking at me like that. Shit is cool.”

Cody shrugs off the hit, undoing the buttons on his cuffed, long-sleeved button up shirt and pushes the sleeves up. “It is. You’re just… kind of confusing. You literally taught yourself programming but instead of looking for jobs in Silicon Valley, you street race. I’m not- I don’t want to insult you, but, like, what are you going to do when you’re 30 or 40?” The light turns green. The car accelerates smoothly, and Noel turns away from Cody. 

“I don’t know.” He says, “I don’t think that far ahead, anyway.”

The rest of the car ride is silent, with the unspoken, sad reality floating awkwardly between them.

When they make it to the sandwich shop, Cale is standing outside, smoking a cigarette. Noel bounds right up to him, daps his friend up, and turns to point to Cody. Cale takes another drag, holds it in for a bit, and nods towards the other as he exhales. “You’re Cody,” he says, “with the weird ass last name, right?”

“Kolodziejzyk,” both him and Noel say at the same time. Cody immediately turns his head to look at him. “You can say it?” He asks, lips pulling into a childish grin. “What the fuck, dude? I have friends from college who still can’t say it right.”

Noel just shrugs, and doesn’t say anything to him in return. Cale offers the last hit of the cigarette to him and he raises his hand to deny it. It’s quickly smashed into the ground, under the heel of Cale’s Chuck Taylor and the trio go inside to have some dinner. They all order different sandwiches, and when they sit down to eat together, it’s comfortable quiet. Cody’s three bites into his Italian sub when the smell of Noel’s wafts over.

A beat. “That looks good,” he says, and Noel shakes his head.

“You’re an animal,” he replies, lifting the half that he hadn’t bitten into yet. He moves it towards Cody. “It’s a Reuben. Want a bite?”

“Fuck yeah I do,” he says, wiping his hands clean and then grabbing Noel’s half. He moans, overdramatically, at the flavor and hands it back. “You sure you want this back? I mean, you could use some meat on your bones-”

“Oh fuck you,” Noel laughs. They both shake their heads and continue eating, and Cody has to ignore the feeling of Cale looking at the both of them.

“You brought the Prelude today?” Cale finally speaks, looking at Noel while he sips his soda.

Noel nods. He wipes his mouth on a napkin and leans back, raises his arms and adjusts his cap. “What other car would I bring?”

Cale hums. “Dunno. I thought you might’ve gotten the Civic already.”

Cody watches Noel turn his upper body to look outside of the shop’s windows. He must be watching his car - Cody’s heard of souped up cars being jacked more often - and then Cody looks away when Noel turns back around. “I don’t know if I want the Civic, anyway. I’ve put so much work into this one.”

“Sell it,” Cale suggests, “but you have to stop racing. I saw the scratched paint. Fix it up, sell it, get the Civic and start tuning that one.”

Noel dips his head down. “I don’t know. I have to do a few more. I can’t- I can’t really afford the detailing right now. Blew some cash on lightweight rims and I, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go back to freelancing or some dumb shit.”

Cody interjects. “I can help-”

Noel’s fast with his “No.” It’s so quick that it takes Cody back, and he can only dip his head down and continue to finish his sandwich. Noel seems uncomfortable as the group talks about him, with his shoulders tensed up by his neck and his body posture stiff. He clears his throat. “So, um, Cale, what camera did you bring today?”

The conversation takes another road. Cody wipes his mouth, takes a chug from his water bottle, and studies Noel under a tense brow. Before long, the three of them clean their table up and move from the shop back to Noel’s car. He expects Cale to take shotgun but he sits in the back, and Cody moves back to where he was on the way here. They sit in the car in silence for a bit, Cody and Noel taking out their phones to answer some texts. Sam, Marcus, and Devon are blowing up the group chat talking about something stupid. Cody swipes up, turns on Do Not Disturb, and turns to Noel when he starts to talk.

“Taylor says that they’re starting to line up,” he says, “we should get going.”

***

There are more people than Cody expects at the race. Noel stops before the cars that are lined up, and turns to him. “Those are the spectators,” he nods his head towards the group of at most 30 people. “I’ll meet you here after the race. They should have police scanners, so if there’s cops roaming around I’ll stop by and pick you and Cale up. We should be fine, but just… be careful. Make it look like you belong here.”

Cody wants to joke back, but he’s too anxious. “Okay,” he says, opening the car door and stepping out, closing it and watching Noel move towards the red spray-painted line on the asphalt. He watches as another man moves to the rear window of Noel’s car, uses a paint marker to write 3 numbers on the window, and continues on doing that to every other car. Men keep walking between the cars, idly chatting to the racers, and Noel rolls down his window to talk to one of them. Cody can’t make out the conversation. It doesn’t last very long, and when they’re done, Noel almost looks exasperated. Cody catches him looking around, and through the dark atmosphere and the slight tint of the windows he can still catch Noel’s eyes.

The other offers Cody a slight smile. Cody is maybe too eager to deliver one back.

 _156_ , the numbers drip on Noel’s rear window. Cody can’t seem to take his eyes off of the white paint, even when most of the people get off of the road and Cale takes the stage. Cale dips and gets on one knee and takes a lot of pictures of every car, and lags a bit by the Prelude and takes some nice photos of that car, too. Noel opens his window and leans out, makes some joke about not taking pictures of the scratched paint on his car. Cody laughs at it even when the joke wasn’t directed towards him. As quick as he got onto the road, Cale leaves, and the biggest man Cody has ever seen lifts up a megaphone. He has to be at least 6’5”, with broad shoulders that Cody can barely come in eye contact with. His voice booms in the megaphone.

“Alright, we ain’t got a lot of time to do this shit, so lemme hear them mothafuckin’ horns if you’re ready!” It’s almost deafening, the sound of eight car horns going off at once. Cody can see Noel ball his fist up, slam it against the wheel a few times so his horn almost sounds like an airhorn, some shitty _bwah-bwah-bwah-bwah-bwaaaaah_ noise you’d hear on daytime radio. It makes Cody push a laugh through his nose, despite his wringing hands. The seriousness of this race has just sunken in, and he knows that Noel actually cares about this but there are a lot of unpredictable variables. It’s not like Cody knows what a police scanner looks like, but when he looks around at the crowd he doesn’t know if he can spot one or not. He’s never gotten arrested before, and for once, he can say he’s in a situation where the police showing up wasn’t the worst case scenario. 

It takes a lot of self-restraint to avoid thinking about a crash. Cody makes himself feel better thinking about Noel’s new brakes that he installed earlier this week. If they hadn’t failed him by now, why would they fail him now? Then, Cody remembers the scraped paint on his car, and wonders exactly how he got that. 

He shakes his head to stop these wandering thoughts, and the big man with the megaphone finishes saying something that Cody totally missed. He starts a countdown, and when Cody looks back to the group of cars, he can see Noel inside of 156, fists tight on the steering wheel. _3...2...1…_ passes by almost too quickly and with the way some of these cars accelerate, Cody is shocked that their tires don’t explode. 156 takes off between three cars, and the group of racers disappear around a corner. Cale stops in the middle of the road to take a couple of pictures, but then he jogs the rest of the way to meet with Cody.

“They’ll be back soon,” he says, and Cody nods. “You like it so far? Just the sound of those engines revving, man, it’s crazy.”

Cody watches Cale for a while, looking back in the direction where the cars disappeared and then back to Noel’s friend. He nods again. “Yeah, it is. I always thought people raced in, like, Porsches or whatever.” A few strangers next to them laugh, having overheard what he said. Cody turns away from them, jutting his chin towards Cale’s camera. “Can I see some of your pictures?"

Cale nods. “Not on the camera, though, the raw images aren’t that cool.” He fishes out his phone, opens Instagram and pulls up his profile. He hands the phone over to Cody, and Cody turns up the phone’s brightness. A few pictures are solid action shots, tires that are blurred because they’re spinning so fast. There are tracks on the road in some of them, and when he scrolls down to August of last year there’s a photo of Noel. He sits inside of his beloved Prelude, tossing up his index and pinky fingers in a devil horn hand signal. Cody smiles down at the picture, swipes back up, and hands the phone back to Cale.

“Those shots are sick,” Cody says, and he opens his mouth to ask another question but the spectators begin to pick up in energy. He lifts his eyes to above Cale’s head, down the road behind him, where cars are flashing their headlights and gunning down the road. A Mitsubishi, Cody can’t name the model, takes first place going into the second lap. Cale spins around fast, drops to one knee and catches a few action shots. Amongst the purring of tuned up engines and spectators cheering, Cody can hear the shutter of his camera going off rapidly. In third place, a certain 1998 Honda Prelude speeds past the spray-painted line on the road. Cody waves, but Noel doesn’t move his eyes from the road. His hand drops unceremoniously.

As all of the cars pass, Cale stands and begins to go through some shots. “The action ones are my favorite,” he says to Cody, but Cody doesn’t really hear him. He’s busy thinking about what’s going through Noel’s head as he races, and Cody turns his head to the right to watch all eight cars turn at the same block as before, then disappear.

“Hey,” Cody begins, “do people crash often?”

Cale lifts his head, turning to look down the road, eyes landing on the same spot Cody’s staring at. He shrugs, drops his head back towards his photos. “Yeah,” he says, “people die all the time. It’s not always the drivers, though. At this one race, I heard some dude crashed into a mom and her two kids. It was really fucked.”

Almost immediately, Cody is uncomfortable, and wishes he could suck the question back into his lungs. But he can’t, and now he’s stuck thinking about Noel’s brakes failing again, sending him crumpling around a telephone pole, like he had described earlier that week. The second lap seems quicker than the first, however, and the cars are speeding down the oncoming road. At the red spray-painted line, two men have extended ribbon across the length of the street. Everybody’s phones are out, and Cody’s hand digs through his pocket for his own. He swipes to the camera, turns his phone to landscape mode and begins a video. As the cars come closer, he can tell that Noel isn’t in first place, but a few feet from the finishing line Noel grips the wheel and jerks it to the left. He’s quick to jerk it back to the right, cutting off the car in second place. The Prelude makes a loud noise as it accelerates into fourth or fifth gear, Cody can’t tell, but the maneuver drives the spectators crazy. They all jump and cheer, and Cody begins to cheer himself as Noel drives over the finish line in second place. The cars slow down once everybody passes the finish line, and Cody ends the video and tucks his phone back into his pocket. He pushes the sleeves of his buttoned shirt up and takes off into a run towards Noel’s car.

He almost makes it in time, but spectators and other friends swamp the driver’s side door before he can. People swarm those who ended in first, second, and third place, and Cody feels too awkward to push through them. He slows down, presses himself against the wall of a building. Everybody who approaches Noel is all praise, clapping hands on his shoulders and pulling him into friendly hugs. When the strangers dissipate, move on to the winner of the race, Cale and a few other men approach Noel. These men, Noel daps up comfortably, and Cale takes a moment to pose them so he can take a picture. As soon as they’re done, they go to the first place car and Cody finds his opening.

“Dude!” He begins, arms extended in a hug. Noel’s eyes light up underneath his cap and he stands up straight, raising his own arms and embracing Cody. “That was fucking crazy! I can’t imagine how badly you pissed off that dude in third place.”

Noel tightens himself around Cody once, pulling away and shrugging, adjusting his hat. “I’ve never done that before. I just- I don’t know- that was insane.” He laughs like he’s still wearing out the adrenaline. “I saw you wave at me after the first lap. That shit was kind of funny.” 

Cody burns from the chest up. “I was just excited,” he says, meek, and it only sends Noel into another laughing fit. Cody claps his hand on Noel’s back, between his shoulder blades, and they both move to lean against the car. Before they’re able to talk any more, Noel’s name is being called out by the man with the megaphone who started the race. Both of their heads turn, and Noel nods once he sees who’s calling him.

“I’ll be right back, man,” he tells Cody, tucking his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt and jogging across the street. Cody watches the two of them talk for a bit, already formulating a bunch of height jokes - _dude, kind of looks like you were getting yelled at by your dad_ \- before peeling his eyes away and taking a good look at the car. He walks around it, placing his hand on the hood and feeling the heat from the engine. Cody makes it back to the passenger’s side door, kneeling down and feeling the scratched paint there, again. He makes a mental note to ask where this was from. When he stands, he can see his messenger bag resting on the floor of the passenger’s seat, and it makes him smile real small.

Cody wraps back around, standing back on the sidewalk but still leaning against the car. He takes his phone out, taps on the photos app and rewatches the video. After a few rewinds back to the second Noel pulled his move, Cody realizes that he understands what Cale was talking about. It was interesting, and definitely got the adrenaline pumping. With the video on pause, he turns the phone’s brightness up and moves it closer to his face, squinting and trying to see if he can catch Noel’s expression the second he slipped into second place.

Noel sneaks up on him silently. He’s already back on the other side of the road when he barks Cody’s name. Cody’s head snaps upward and his eyebrows fall tight when he looks at Noel.

“Come on, let’s go,” he says, short, and Cody locks his phone. He keeps his grip on it tight as he rounds the car again, hand passing by the painted numbers on the rear mirror. White paint stains the pad of his index finger, and he wipes the wet paint off on his work shirt. He throws himself back into the car, pulling the seat belt over his body and looking at Noel. In the dim light of Long Beach’s street lamps, Cody can see that he looks pale.

“Noel,” there’s a nervous pause, “what’s up?”

Noel lifts his hands out of his sweatshirt pocket. They’re shaking, just barely, but Cody can still see it. His left hand grips the hem of his sweatshirt and pulls it up, and Cody’s eyes immediately drop to the sliver of skin exposed above Noel’s jeans. His eyes are pulled to the glint of dark metal when Noel wraps his right hand around something, and pulls it out of his waistband. The silence between them suddenly gains a lot of weight, and presses hard onto Cody’s chest. “What the fuck is that?” He whispers, hot into the air, and Noel carefully holds the gun with both hands.

“Calm down,” he tells Cody, as if he could feel the anxiety bubbling thick from Cody’s stomach. “I just need you to put it in the glove box.”

Sourness burns his throat, and Cody’s eyes blow up. “What?” he pushes his body against the door, despite still facing Noel. “I’m not fucking touching that. What are you doing?” His eyes trace the length of the gun, and it takes a while but he finally looks away, back to the man Noel was just talking to. “Fucking- give it back to him!”

Noel continues to hold the gun with both hands, and when he finally takes his left hand off of the metal, he carefully guides his fingers to a lever on the gun. Cody can’t tell what he’s done, but there’s a soft click and it only shoots chills down his spine. His blood runs cold. 

“I put the safety on. Just put it in the glove box,” Noel finally looks at Cody, and his hazel eyes are dark, “ _please_.”

Cody feels paralyzed under his stare. “I- I’ve- I’ve never-”

“Me neither,” Noel says, voice regaining its strength. “Please. I just want to get the fuck out of here.” His left hand drops, and it’s just his right hand tight around the gun’s grip. No fingers are extended, and he moves his wrist towards Cody.

“What if- the cops- _Noel_ ,” he stammers again, but his hand rises to meet Noel’s halfway. His sweaty palm presses against Noel’s fingers, and the cold gun metal feels as if its almost burning the soft skin of his hand. Noel lets go, and the gun is heavier than Cody thought. He stiffens his wrist, copies the way Noel was holding the gun - with no fingers extended. He leans forward, opens the glove box, and places it in there delicately. Noel is quick to buckle in, ease the car out of park, and push it into first and second gear so they can calmly drive away from the race.

Noel is silent, and he doesn’t bother to turn the radio on. Cody can still feel the anxiety in his throat, and when he turns to look at Noel again, his eyes are still wide and terrified. “What the _fuck_ ?” He asks, looking back at the glove box. “What the fuck?! Why did he- who- what? Why did he give you that?” Noel doesn’t respond, but his grip on the steering wheel and the gear shift tightens so hard that his knuckles pale. “I thought you said you weren’t into that gangbanger shit? I- the race went _fine_ , everybody was so excited, he was just carrying that shit with him?” There’s still no response, and Cody shoves hard into Noel’s shoulder. “Dude!”

Noel slows to a stall at a red light and whips his hat off. “Can you shut the fuck up for two seconds? This is a lot for me, too, you know! I _don’t_ do that shit, he just fucking gave it to me, I couldn’t just fucking give it back to him. He easily had half a foot on me, and _guns_ , I’m just supposed to say no?” He throws his hat into the back seat. “God.”

“Are you- okay.” Cody stops himself, looking away from Noel and trying to find the right words. “Obviously I’ve never done this shit before-”

“ _Obviously_ ,” Noel chirps, and Cody ignores him.

“But, like, does every race have some sort of gang shit?”

The car jerks into a roll as the light turns green. Every single one of Noel’s rides has been smooth until now. Noel is quiet, like he’s trying to find the right words as well, but what comes out is abrasive. “We’re in fucking Long Beach, dude, there’s literally Crips on every corner.”

“What?”

Noel sighs. “I get it. Mr. Duke University isn’t used to this shit, and I’m not either, but I just have to take it and let it happen. I’m never going to use the gun, nobody knows I have the gun besides you and Dom, okay?”

“You’re just going to leave it in your glove box?”

Noel swallows, thick, and merges onto the highway towards Venice Beach. “I don’t know yet.” He cranes his neck to check his blindspot and merges into the fast lane. His hand pulls the gear shift into fourth gear and he starts driving faster. “I told him I was out of a job, and he asked about the dents and scrapes and shit and I just, I don’t have the cash to fix them right now. My rims come in tomorrow, and I was just going to freelance or do more programming shit to get the money.”

Cody watches him, eyebrows tight now in worry and not anger. “I know.”

“But they all think that shit is stupid. Why bust your ass trying to get a job that’s just going to treat you like shit when you can… you know.” Cody glances back to the glove box and the image of Noel holding the gun seriously, safety off, aimed at somebody with the intent to shoot twists his stomach. 

“You’re not going to do that, though, right?” He asks, even though he knows the answer already. He just wants to hear Noel say it.

“No,” he breathes out, “I’m not. God.” Noel shakes his head and begins to laugh. “Holy shit. If my mom saw me right now, she’d fucking…”

Cody laughs beside Noel. “Oh, yeah. If _Helen Kolodziejzyk_ saw me right now, I think she’d chew my head off.” Noel nods.

“Your parents ever hit you when you were a kid? Nothing serious, just, ‘ _oh you’re being a dumbass I have to spank you so you don’t do that shit later_ ’?”

Cody chews on the inside of his lower lip. “I don’t think so. I never did a lot of stupid shit when I was a kid.” Noel responds with a laugh, shaking his head again.

“Seriously?” There’s a pause as Noel thinks. “My dad did it more often. When I was little, he would raise his voice at me and I’d piss my fucking pants. My mom was on my side when I got older but when I was a dumbass baby she spanked me a few times. Or, like, she would pick up her house slipper and chuck it at me. She has a crazy aim with that shit.” He snorts a laugh. “I think she wouldn’t throw it at me this time. She’d beat my fucking ass with it.”

Cody laughs, already feeling the anxiety calm down. His throat doesn’t taste as sour as it did before, and he can swallow in peace. “When they’d stop hitting you?”

Noel merges into the slow lane, moving down a gear and exiting off the highway. He shrugs with one shoulder. “I moved out when I graduated high school. Then my mom kicked my dad out, and we shared an apartment for a bit. It kind of calmed down after that.” He breathes out shakily. “Nothing is more of a boner-killer than bringing a girl home and seeing your dad snoring on the couch.”

Cody sputters. “Dude, you serious?”

“Oh yeah. Or him in his boxers making a sandwich. Fucking sucked.”

“You didn’t go to college?”

Noel clears his throat. “For a bit. It was a community college. I never finished.” Cody looks away from Noel, nodding. He suddenly feels like it’s absolutely the wrong place and wrong time to talk about his family experience. When Noel pulls off the highway into Venice, he looks over to the other man. “You want me to drop you off at home? I know tonight’s been a lot.”

 _But I usually just take some friends home, smoke some bud…_ Noel’s voice rings in his head. Cody looks at him, blinks a few times, and suddenly remembers he still has work in the morning. “Ah, fuck, what time is it?” He looks at the center console of the Prelude and catches the time: 1:06. He doesn’t want to say it, but he does anyway. “Yeah, you can just drop me off. Got some meeting tomorrow with all of the engineers.”

“Sounds boring,” Noel smirks, taking his phone out of his pocket and tapping in his passcode. He passes it to Cody, unlocked. “Just put your address in.” Cody grabs the phone, types it in, and presses _start route_. He rests Noel’s phone in the cup holder and tries to distract himself before he starts kicking himself for turning down the rest of the night. Noel finally reaches forward and turns on the radio. The same station from earlier today continues to play. There are a few songs Noel mumbles along to, and when they’re a few minutes from Cody’s apartment complex, Noel turns the volume down and glances over at his friend. “What are you doing tomorrow after work?”

Cody swallows thickly. “Um, nothing as of right now. Devon usually- he usually asks me to go bar crawling with him on Fridays, but he hasn’t asked yet.” He looks down at his phone, and the 98 messages waiting for him in the group chat with his friends.

Noel nods. “We could chill tomorrow, then.” There’s the slightest smile coating his words. “Your place or mine?”

“How’s mine?” Cody asks. “You could pick me up after work and we can come straight here. It’s not that far.” Noel makes a noise of confirmation. The car comes to a rolling stop in front of Cody’s apartment complex. When Noel pulls the car into park, Cody unbuckles and raises one arm for a half hug. Noel follows suit. “Congrats again, man. Don’t let whatever happened tonight cloud that shit. That was really fucking cool.”

When Cody pulls off of him, Noel nods. “Thanks, dude.” He watches Cody grab his bag, then push the car door open. He pauses before closing it.

“If you need help with cash, Noel, I can-”

Noel raises a hand. “It’s fine. I’ll figure it out. And I won’t use the-” his eyes flicker downwards. Cody nods.

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow, man.” Cody shuts the door and Noel watches him enter the apartment complex before pulling the car into first gear and taking off towards his own apartment.

***

Friday is incredibly busy for Cody. After the meeting, which essentially lit a fire under the team of engineers, his entire day was whisked away to writing code. Usually, he can take a few breaks throughout the day, but he works through lunch despite Sam coming back from Cody’s favorite Thai place with a leftover bowl of food that smells so good it makes his stomach rumble. And if Cody’s back starts to hurt from sitting hunched over at his desk all day, he can pick up his laptop, move to one of the comfier loveseats and lounge while coding instead. The cramming, however, allows him to clock out just a bit after 5 pm, and as he’s sitting at his desk signing out he’s sending a text to Noel.

**not working late today, so ill be freed soon**

After signing out, he begins to tidy up his desk. Cody doesn’t turn around when footsteps echo behind him, but he does flinch when there’s a heavy hand slapped in the middle of his back.

“What’s up, dude?” Devon turns around, sits himself down on the cleared-up spot on Cody’s desk. “Today was killer, huh?” After his messenger bag is packed with his laptop, some folders, Cody shuts it and wraps his hand around his warm Thermos.

“Mhm,” he hums, lifting the Thermos to his lips and sipping the still-warm coffee. “I hate how all of this work always lands back on us. The reason we’re doing _so_ ‘shitty’ in the first place is because of the,” Cody chucks a look behind him, and lowers his voice, “shitty project manager. I don’t even know her name, that’s how often she actually comes by and tells us what we should be doing.”

Devon nods along with what Cody is saying, but his lips still curl into a childish little grin. “Little boy still needs somebody to tell him what to do?” When Cody’s face twists and he opens his mouth to start talking again, Devon lifts his foot and kicks it into Cody’s thigh. “You skipped lunch. If we’re gonna go crawlin’ tonight, you want to get something to eat beforehand?”

Cody sucks his teeth. “Sorry, I can’t tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” He offers, placing the strap of his bag over his shoulder and dropping his hand to grab his phone again. Devon raises one eyebrow.

“You can’t?” He moves to stand, hops off of Cody’s desk. “What, you got a fuckin’ date tonight?” Cody’s lack of a quick response, and the way his neck gets red underneath his collar sends Devon jumping, wrapping his arms around him. “No way! Who? Is it someone I know?”

“It’s not a date,” Cody puts his Thermos on his desk and pulls Devon’s arms off of him. “Get off me, dude, it’s not a date. I’m just going to hang out with Noel.” Devon pulls off of Cody and steps back, placing both hands on his hips in a stance so comical it almost rips Cody out of his embarrassment. “That’s it.”

Devon scrunches his nose. “Noel? Weren’t you just with him last night?”

“Yeah,” Cody rolls his eyes, “but it doesn’t matter. He’s going to come over and we’re gonna smoke.” Devon’s arms fall from his hips. His eyes squint in that annoying, knowing look he always does. “What? Last night was a little too crazy, we just want to do something lowkey.” Cody feels his phone buzz. He looks down at the text notification and picks his Thermos back up, and starts towards the door. Devon follows behind him.

“You don’t like smoking weed,” he says, and Cody’s face stays still as he acts like he wasn’t caught. “And I saw that video you posted to your story. He does some crazy shit.” There’s a beat, then two, then three, then Devon drops it: “You _like_ him.”

Cody whips around before opening the front office door. “Shut up, dude, we’re just hanging out. Just because I don’t want to hang out with you, Sam, and Marcus again for the fourth weekend in a row doesn’t mean I have a crush on Noel. He’s just a new friend, I want to hang out with him. That’s normal.”

“Men having crushes on other men is normal, too,” Devon chirps, striking another nerve.

“I _know_ that, I just don’t have a crush on him. He’s just… He’s just cool.” Cody presses his hand on the door and pushes it open. “You know if anything like that was happening, you guys would be the first people I’d tell.” He turns his head to look at Devon, and the smile his friend gives him makes this stupid argument feel better. “So, I’ll just, I’ll see you guys tomorrow. We can get day-drunk at brunch, or whatever stupid shit you want to do.”

Devon nods, and they walk in the same direction together. When Cody can spot Noel’s car, he turns and extends his hand towards his friend, to grab so they can hug before he leaves. Devon accepts the hand, shaking it at first and then dropping the bomb. “So did you skip lunch on purpose? Because I’ve heard when you’re doing butt stuff-”

“Okay, bye Devon!” Cody calls, letting go of his friend and starting in a faster walk towards Noel’s car. Devon keeps talking behind him, but stops when Cody rips open the passenger’s side door and sits inside. He doesn’t mean to slam the door when he closes it, but he does, startling Noel.

He jumps, looking at Cody with wide eyes and locking his phone. “Holy shit.” Noel peers behind them, out the rear window which is now mostly clean without the paint. “Someone piss you off?” His eyes land back on Cody. The agitation that was slowly building up his spine melts away, and Cody sighs out after he’s buckled in. He places his Thermos in the cup holder.

“Just had a long fucking day. Can you believe our project manager hasn’t come into the office _once_ in these last two weeks and now they’re mad at all the engineers for being off track?” Cody immediately vents, feeling his posture melt into the cloth seats. Noel sighs, clicks his tongue and pulls the car into first gear. 

“That sucks,” he shakes his head. “At least now you’re here.” Noel offers Cody a big smile, shrugging his shoulders and turning his attention to the road. “I brought the rest of the eighth I bought a few days ago. You’ve smoked weed before, right?”

Cody scoffs. “I was in a frat, of course I have.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Noel starts, sputtering before laughing. “Holy shit, of course you were. I don’t know why I just didn’t assume that. Literally a software engineer living in Venice Beach, how did I not know you were in a frat.”

“Hey!” Cody shakes his head, feeling his face heat up. “What is so funny about that? Delta Sigma Phi-”

Noel breaks into the hardest laugh Cody’s heard from him since they became friends. A big, _bah-ha-ha!_ that makes Cody look at him with tight eyebrows and a flutter in his chest. “I’m sorry, dude,” he begins after regaining his composure, and Cody actually feels himself almost say ‘no, you’re fine,’ but Noel cuts him off. “I just, I _never_ hung out with dudes like you when I went to school. I just think it’s funny how now we’re here.”

Cody shrugs. “It’s fine, I get it. But, back to the question, yeah I’ve smoked weed. It’s not my favorite, but, I mean I’ll do it anyway.” Noel hums. “I think I’ve only ever smoked out of bongs, though. Or-or pipes.”

"Not bad,” the other man nods, turning the car back into second gear as they approach rush hour traffic. “My guy Taylor is mostly a bong dude. I don’t really care, I’ll smoke out of anything. I’ve been meaning to buy a pen but my friends make fun of me whenever I talk about it.” He shakes his head. “I’ve been meaning to just quit this shit, actually.”

“Really?” Cody asks.

Noel licks his bottom lip, nods when he pulls it between his teeth. “Shit gives me crazy anxiety sometimes. After smoking sometimes I wake up at like, three in the morning and my heart is beating so fast I feel like it’s about to explode.” He shrugs. “But, I mean, sometimes I wake up like that for no reason, too.”

Cody’s eyes raise from Noel’s lips to his eyes, even though he’s focused on the road ahead. “I get it. Anxiety sucks.” Noel sighs real hard, nodding.

“It sure does.”

The rush hour traffic is killer, and it’s something that Cody really had to get used to once he moved to Venice. Noel seems calm through it, even when the car doesn’t move on the highway for over two minutes. He just hums along to the radio, or looks around the highway for patrol officers and checks notifications on his phone. Sometimes Cody will look up from his own phone and they’ll make eye contact but nobody does anything about it, they just continue on with what they’re doing. Traffic begins to thin out once they enter Venice.

They get to Cody’s apartment complex eventually, and Noel parks a little further away than he did last night when he dropped Cody off. Cody has a feeling he knows why.

“People really steal modded cars?” He asks, and Noel nods. They both get out of the car and Noel locks it, makes sure he does by kneeling and checking, then he looks back to Cody.

“Oh yeah. Earlier today, I went to get some breakfast and this dude approached me, he was like ‘oh, is the Honda yours? I saw you drive it in, it looked so _smooth_ ,’” Noel uses his hands to mime the words, and Cody immediately feels creeped out. Noel continues with his impression anyway. “‘I bet it took ya a lot of time to tune that up. What’s the year? Ooh, 1998? Good year, good car…’”

Cody cocks his head to the side. “You sure he wasn’t just hitting on you?”

Noel laughs, shakes his head. “I mean- maybe? But I’m pretty sure he was just sizing up the car. I got my stupid breakfast sandwich and got the fuck out of there. Didn’t help that I just put the new rims on, too.” He gestures towards them, then looks back to Cody. “You like ‘em?”

Cody kneels. They’re really clean-looking, but he can’t remember exactly what the old rims looked like. Noel kneels down next to him, knocking his shoulder into Cody’s. “They’re like, extra lightweight or whatever the fuck. It makes the car faster. I’ve pretty much done everything I can so far. I switched the engine to a cold air intake system and upgraded the exhaust a while ago, me and Taylor fucked around with the aerodynamics, got high-traction-rated tires and changed the rims…” He stands. “It should be ready to go for another race. Only thing I haven’t done is regear the entire fucking whip, but I don’t really… want to.” He passes his hand over the scratched paint and dents. “Gotta fix this first.”

Most of what Noel says, Cody can understand, so he nods along and stands when he does. “The paint’ll get fixed.” They begin walking towards his apartment complex. “How did it even get fucked up anyway?”

Noel sucks his teeth. “It’s a long story.” Cody doesn’t push it any further, but as soon as they’re in the apartment’s lobby and moving towards the elevator to Cody’s floor, he opens up about it. “You know the car I passed at the last race? The VW Jetta?”

Cody tries to remember what the car looked like. Everybody was too excited watching Noel cut the car off, and Cody didn’t move to congratulate first or third place - just Noel. He shakes his head. Noel waves a hand. “That’s fine. This dude named Andre drives it. And we raced in Inglewood a few weeks ago and when we made a left turn, he totally sideswiped me. I almost lost control, and it scared the fuck out of me. When the race ended, he was in second place and I was in fifth and I was just so pissed. I got out of my car and I was ready to fight him but he had all his boys there.”

“His boys?”

They enter the elevator. “You know. His… his boys, man, the gang.”

Cody’s eyes widen. “Oh, shit.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s why Dom gave me the piece, too. Andre and his boys probably really have it out for me after yesterday.” 

“He gave you that gun for _protection_?”

Noel swings a fist into Cody’s shoulder. “Shush,” and then he shrugs. “I mean, partly? Mostly for the quick cash it can get me. A lot of the guys around here run drugs and shit to get money for their car. Shit is fucked.”

Cody watches Noel, biting back all the concern he has. “Yeah,” he swallows, “it is fucked.” The doors open and Noel follows behind him to his apartment. Noel sighs really hard, and walks into Cody’s apartment after him. 

“I don’t- I- I didn’t want to worry you with that story, by the way. I’m gonna be fine. I even signed up for a new race on Tuesday. The ones earlier in the week are kind of better, I guess? Cops are on the hunt usually on the weekends.”

Cody shakes his head. “You’ve been doing this shit for a while, man.” He takes the strap of his messenger bag off of his shoulder and places the bag and his Thermos down. “I trust you.”

Noel’s smile is bright. “Um, I’ll get this shit ready while you relax?” He cranes his head towards the living room. “I can roll on the coffee table, right? It’s okay?”

“Of course. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna change out of these clothes.”

“Oh, Cody-” he chirps before Cody enters his bedroom, “do you mind if I stay the night? I don’t like to drive while high, but if it’s an issue I get it.”

They share big, toothy grins, pushing up blushing cheeks. Cody shrugs. “It’s fine. The couch pulls out.”

“Awesome,” Noel says, dipping his head down and digging his hands into his joggers’ pockets and pulling out the weed, the grinder, and the papers. They’re all laughs and smiles when Cody returns, flicking through the television and sharing a joint. 

Besides a light roasting whenever Cody coughs after a hit, the two of them relax for the night, which is exactly what was needed after yesterday and the work day Cody had today. He doesn’t check his phone once the entire night, besides updating himself on the DoorDashers’ location once they succumb to the munchies. Noel tells him all about these ice cream bon bons he loves, and how he’s eaten two boxes of them in one sitting. It’s not funny, but it kind of is, and after they eat they fall asleep on the couch, not the pull out bed, together.

When Cody wakes up, Noel is still asleep, lying on his side trying to take up the least amount of space on the couch. Cody departs, takes a quick and refreshing shower, and removes his contacts so he can put his glasses on. By the time he’s out of the shower, redressed, and back in the living room, Noel’s getting a glass of water in the kitchen. His hoodie is off, strewn across the bar in the kitchen, and after taking a few heavy sips of water he sets the glass down and throws his arms over his head. A groan slips out of him when his shoulders pop with the stretches.

“Oof,” Cody smiles, “sounding like bubble wrap, old man.”

Noel rolls his eyes, drops his arms and picks up his glass of water. He watches Cody walk around the kitchen while finishing his drink, before putting it in the sink. He turns around, leaning against one of the counters and crossing his arms in front of him.

“Glasses are a good look on you,” he says, seemingly out of the blue. Cody turns around and it takes a little bit to register at first, but then his lips pull into a smile.

“Thanks.” The two of them are quiet afterwards, Cody’s mind running a thousand miles a minute while he prepares a vanilla protein shake. After shaking it all together, taking a sip and licking his lips, he nods towards Noel. “You got any plans today?”

“Gotta go to Gramercy Park,” Noel struggles to meet Cody’s eyes, “meeting up with somebody.”

Cody just watches Noel for a bit, mind racing to remember if he’s ever been to Gramercy Park. He’s known Noel for a few months, but there’s this twinge in his stomach that tells him that Gramercy Park isn’t exactly the best place to be. But there’s another twinge, telling Cody that Noel knows a whole lot more about street intelligence than he does. “What for?”

Noel moves away from the countertop. He grabs his hoodie, slips it back on, and grabs his car keys. “Just some stuff for the next race,” he twirls his keys around his finger, and tucks everything he brought to Cody’s house back into his pockets. “I’ll text you the details, if you want to come.”

“Yeah,” he’s quick, maybe too quick?, so Cody takes another sip of his protein shake and nods. “Yeah, totally. Just text me.” Noel’s lips curl into a smile, and he nods. Cody walks him to the door, watches him walk down the hall and disappear into the elevator. 

When he shuts the door, his stomach still feels really light and fluttery. 

***

Tuesday approaches suddenly.

Noel is late to pick Cody up. He paces around waiting for the Prelude to pull up, and when it does it’s packed full of people. Cale is in the front seat next to Noel, and there are two other men in the back. They’re vaguely familiar, and when Cody calmly sits next to them Noel looks into the backseat to smile at Cody. “Hey,” his smile is crooked and he tosses a wink, which is new and already crazy and making Cody feel real hot in the Honda. “You know Cale already. That’s Taylor,” the man with long-ish wavy hair nods at Cody, “and that’s Evan.” The man wedged into the middle extends his hand towards Cody so he can shake it. “They live in Santa Clarita too so I picked them up first.”

Cody nods. “Yeah, that’s fine.” He presses his messenger bag into his lap. “I didn’t know you lived in Santa Clarita.”

Noel catches Cody’s eyes in the rearview mirror as they pull into driving. Cale turns the radio on, which is kind of loud and overstimulating combined with the new people but Cody’s ears are trained on Noel’s voice. “Pretty much my whole life, after we moved back to California from Toronto.”

“No shit, you’re Canadian?” Cody leans forward, so he can look at Noel better. “I’m from Calgary. That’s pretty cool.” Noel tosses a look behind and smiles at Cody. While Noel’s friends spark a bunch of loud conversations, and jokes that remind Cody of Noel’s sense of humor, he has to push himself against the seat to stop himself from talking about absolutely nothing with Noel.

The drive to Inglewood is long despite it being so late at night. The traffic almost gets Cody anxious, but it doesn’t seem so bad once Noel’s friends bring him into the conversation. They ask about his job, how he met Noel, how many races he’s been to. It feels excitingly new but normal all at the same time, and when they finally make it to Inglewood he almost doesn’t want to get out of the car. Taylor, Evan, and Cale all join the spectators, while Cody leans forward and leans his head onto the seat in front of him and watches Noel.

“What’s up, dude?” Noel turns to him, smiling. “You feel good?”

Cody nods. “I feel great.” He places his messenger bag onto the floor underneath the seat and rubs the back of his neck. “So, is it always just the racers inside of the car? They can’t have somebody else with them?”

Noel laughs. “I mean, some of the guys let their girls ride shotgun in the races, but I don’t know. I don’t really like that, because people really tend to crash more often when there’s more people in the car.” Cody can’t see his eyes, as they’re hidden underneath the shadow of his hat, but he feels Noel’s gaze. “Why?”

Suddenly, Cody is shy. “No reason.” He opens the car door. “Just curious.”

He knows that Noel knows, but his friend lets him leave the car without teasing him about it. For that, he’s grateful, and Cody stands next to Noel’s friends and jokes around with them, and even gets included in Cale’s photo of the spectators. There are more here than in Long Beach, but there are still some familiar faces. There’s a sense of comfort until Cody’s eyes scan the area and they land on the same man with the 6’5” build and megaphone. Then, he remembers that Noel said that he brought his _boys_ to the last meet, and Cody can’t control the stiffness of his spine.

It’s the same as last race, mostly. A lot of yelling, loud horns, spectators screaming support for the car they want to win. Noel’s window is painted with _156_ again, and when Noel turns around to nod at the man with the paint marker he catches Cody’s eyes. They smile, nod at each other, and Noel turns back, leans on his horn. It gets loud all over again, and the race calms down once the starting line gets spray-painted onto the asphalt. 

There’s the countdown, then Dom with the megaphone presses the siren button and the cars take off. Taylor claps his hands real loud and bounces up and down, and his screaming of Noel’s name alongside Evan infects Cody. He starts cheering for 156, and the race lap this time is mostly straight spare for a sharp left turn the cars have to make maybe two miles down the road. It’s easier to watch Noel speed down the road, until he disappears past the turn and all of his friends turn inwards to discuss the race.

The first race was fun, but this one feels even better now that Cody feels included. Taylor is tall, and wraps his arm around Cody’s shoulders and rocks him back and forth and teases him about his engineering job, just like Noel does. These men have known Noel since high school, and this is their first night being introduced to Cody but they accept him in quickly. It’s nice, especially when Noel rounds the corner approaching the starting line and Cody can freak the fuck out along with Taylor, Evan, and Cale. Somewhere along the racing route Noel overtook first place, and his group of friends jump and swing arms and yell his name. Cody pulls off of Taylor and cranes his neck out after every car has passed the finish line for the second lap, and he watches 156 dominate first place.

When it happens, it happens so quick and Cody can’t catch it.

There’s this loud noise down the road, something Cody didn’t hear at the last race. It makes him step forward, off the curb and into the road, squinting hard even with his contacts in to try and figure out what made the noise. Then, as he turns to Taylor to ask what that could’ve been, there’s a louder, uglier noise. Scraping, then the metallic crash, and Cody has to whip his head back around to see. Cale’s the first one to break, a loud “holy shit!” at the scene a mile and a half ahead of them. The 1998 Honda Prelude they arrived in bounces off the divider placed to cut off the race route and spins into the middle of the street, before stopping half-on the sidewalk. In the artificial orange glow of the street lamps, glass twinkles on the asphalt. 

Cody starts running, and the stiffness of his barely-broken-in work loafers doesn’t stop him. He can hear Noel’s friends and other spectators call out a few names, and the siren from the megaphone goes off again, but Cody’s ears are muffled and all he can hear is his heavy breathing and his heartbeat. By the time he finishes the mile run and approaches the car, the metal body of the car itself is crumpled and nearly unrecognizable. He can’t see anything through the windshield because of the deployed airbag. 

“Noel,” he calls, voice marbled as if he was underwater, “Noel!”

The driver’s side window is smashed open, and there’s this burnt, almost chemically smell that Cody’s never experienced before. He knows it’s a dumb move, but the adrenaline makes him feel invincible and he sticks his hand in through the window, pushes the airbag back and sucks in a deep breath, readying himself for what could possibly greet him behind it.

Noel is still there, eyes blown wide as the shock takes its time coursing through his body. Cody’s hand lands on his shoulder. “Dude,” this time Noel finally turns to look at him, “did you break anything?”

Noel opens his mouth, closes it, then turns his head to look at the interior of his car. He opens his mouth again, raises his right arm and tries to pull the door open. “I…” with his hat blown off to God knows where, Cody can see his eyes darting around. “I don’t know.”

Hands land on Cody’s back. When he looks, it’s Evan and Taylor, and when he turns his body he can see more people approaching. Evan’s voice is calm, but still expressing urgency.

“Noel, you good? No blood?”

Noel looks down, and moves to unbuckle his seatbelt. “No blood. My, my chest hurts though.” Cody looks up at Taylor and they share a worried look before Taylor wraps around the car to try and open the passenger’s side door. Evan kneels by Noel’s window and Cody feels almost useless, but when he goes to take his hand off of Noel’s shoulder to join Taylor Noel stops him. “No, wait, don’t leave,” he says, his voice scared. 

“I’m not,” Cody reassures him, kneeling next to Evan and rubbing his hand up and down Noel’s left shoulder. Taylor’s head pokes up from the passenger’s side.

“Yo, Evan, you smell that?”

Evan hums. “I smell the airbag. Why, what’s up?”

Taylor pulls the passenger’s side door open. “You don’t smell coolant?” He grabs Cody’s messenger bag and pushes his head in to take a few sniffs. Evan follows suit, and Cody keeps his eyes on Noel.

“Wait, shit, yeah. I do. Alright, c’mon Noel, can you climb over the console? We gotta get away, the radiator’s probably cracked.” 

Cody stands, quickly walking around to the passenger’s side door and weaseling beside Taylor. He extends his hands, nodding at Noel. “Come on, I got you.” They grip each other’s hands, and Cody helps him climb over the center console. Once he’s out of the car, it’s obvious that there’s no bleeding. His friends touch his arms and check his entire body, while Cody cleans glass off of his bag and goes to close the passenger’s side door. When his eyes drag upward, they pass the glove box, and his mouth falls open. He looks back at Noel, then to Taylor, who comforts his friend, and then back to the glove box, which he forces open and grabs everything out of there. The gun is the first thing he shoves into his messenger bag, then the rest of Noel’s belongings. They all move away from the car, besides Noel, who turns around to look at it now from a farther distance.

Dom approaches with the megaphone at his hip. “Noel’s good?” He asks, and everybody mumbles some sort of affirmation. “If there’s no injuries we gotta get the fuck out of here before cops come. I know my boy Lenny can tow the car for you, but we gotta go.”

Taylor, Cale, Evan, and most of the spectators nod. Noel puts one hand on Cody’s forearm and the other on his own chest. When he leans against Cody, he whispers. “I don’t know, dude, my-my heart, it just…” He clears his throat. “It feels like it’s about to explode. I’m-” his eyes dart from the Prelude to Cody, and he keeps clearing his throat and swallowing. Once he pulls his hand off of Cody’s sleeved arm, Cody can see the sweat stains his palm left. 

“Noel?” He asks, as the racer moves back towards his car. Bits and pieces of the Prelude lay in the road, and he keeps tripping over them until he lands on his hands and knees. Through his layers of shirts and sweaters, Cody can see his chest heave. Noel throws himself onto his shoulder, then rolls onto his back, pressing his hands against his face. His breathing only gets harder and harder, and when Cody slowly approaches him, he can’t tell if it’s just the hard breathing or if he’s sobbing. “Hey,” he says really quietly, making sure the concrete below him isn’t littered with shards of glass before kneeling down, “Noel, hey, it’s me.”

He pulls his hands off of his face and immediately covers his eyes with his arm. He sniffles a few times then shakes his head. “I can’t,” he says, sounding so defeated it makes Cody’s heart sink, “I can’t. They-they can’t.”

Cody falls into a sitting position. He lifts one hand and gingerly places it on Noel’s forehead, then cards his fingers through the curly hair there. “Can’t what?”

“They can’t tow it. All- that- that car is all I have.” When Noel pulls his arm off of his face, his eyelashes stick together from his crying. His eyes are watery and red, but they stay on Cody’s face. “I spent so much fucking money for what? Now I don’t- how- I was supposed to win this stupid bullshit, I don’t have any money for rent.”

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” Cody quietly replies, still carding his fingers through Noel’s hair. “I’m sorry. Focus on calming down, okay?”

Noel wipes his face dry. The heaving has slowed down, and Cody helps pull him into a sitting position. Their bodies fall together, Noel’s head on Cody’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he says real soft, and Cody’s index finger takes to drawing circles on the back of Noel’s hand. A few beats of silence, and Noel’s head perks up. “Oh shit, the gun. They can’t tow the car,” and he begins to pull himself away from Cody, but Cody pulls him back down.

“I got it, don’t worry. It’s in my bag.”

Noel exhales. “Oh. Thank you.” He sniffles again, wiping his face with his sleeve and resting his forehead in the palm of his hand. Cody watches him for a bit before his eyebrows shoot up.

“You’re not going to-”

Taylor approaches them. “Hey, Noel,” and steals Noel’s attention away from Cody. The piece in his messenger bag feels like it weighs tons. “Dom just called Lenny. We should get back before they show up.” Taylor grabs Noel’s hand and pulls him up, then fishes through his pockets for a cigarette box. Noel’s fingers wrap around it and pull one out, and Taylor helps him light it. “You feeling okay? No concussion, no broken bones, nothing?”

Noel shakes his head. Cody remains sitting on the sidewalk as they walk away towards their other friends. He places his messenger bag between his legs, opens the main pocket and digs past the 1998 Honda Prelude manual, the proof of insurance, and other folders before feeling the cold gun metal. He looks down at the piece, before dragging his eyes back to Noel, and closing his bag before pushing himself up to follow behind him.

***

Cody tries to be fine through everything, but he still finds himself pacing around his apartment running worried hands through his hair. As he paces, he tries to focus his mind on one single part of last night and organize his thoughts about it, but everything was so _worrying_ and _overstimulating._ Noel had been whisked away back to Santa Clarita with his friends in an Uber, and hadn’t texted Cody in the 24 hours they’d been away from each other. Noel’s never been a good texter, but the panic attack he had post-car accident still worried Cody, and he just wanted an update.

Texting him first made him self-conscious, though. All because of things Devon put into Cody’s head. From Devon, Cody’s sure it’s all jokes, but the moment Cody and Noel shared after the car accident didn’t ease any of these feelings. When he thinks about the way Noel’s curls wrapped around his fingers as he calmed him down, it makes his chest ache and reduces Cody to sitting down on the couch. And those few seconds when Noel placed his head on Cody’s shoulder - he thinks about how badly he just wanted to pepper kisses all over Noel’s aching head and tell him that it would be okay.

Realizing that he would walk through Hell and back to make sure Noel never felt the way he did that night was alarming.

It almost sends Cody himself into a panic attack, but he grabs his phone and opens up the text conversation he has with Devon. The message he’s trying to send takes a few tries to type out, and he’s just about to send one he’s not that proud of when there’s a knock at his door. Cody looks up, swallowing hard, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to remember if he had invited anybody over, but it was a Wednesday night and Cody usually spent them alone. He pads over, shirtless and shoeless, to the front door and peers through the little peeping hole to see who it was. 

When his eyes land on Noel’s small frame, hunched over and hands shoved deep into sweatpant pockets, Cody practically rips the door open. His eyes are wide. “Hey.”

Noel’s eyes go from Cody’s face, to his bare torso, to his feet, and Cody watches the tiniest smirk pull up pink lips.

He looks back at Cody’s face and nods real slow. “Hey. Can I come in?”


	2. but you and i are stuck like glue, and that's the goddamn truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! i meant to post this earlier but the holidays and the new year came after me and i got too busy. i also edited this chapter by myself without my proofreader so if there are any mistakes please just let me know lmfao. as always, these are fictional renditions of noel and cody, and please do not send this to either of them. i love feedback, so please tell me how you like it! (: title is from "waste" by brand new, of course. this takes place directly following chapter 1!!!

When his eyes land on Noel’s small frame, hunched over and hands shoved deep into sweatpant pockets, Cody practically rips the door open. His eyes are wide.

“Hey.”

Noel’s eyes go from Cody’s face, to his bare torso, to his feet, and Cody watches the tiniest smirk pull up pink lips. He looks back at Cody’s face and nods real slow. “Hey. Can I come in?”

“Yeah!” Cody’s eagerness is definitely not well hidden. “Uh- yeah, sure, sure. Just- come on in,” he says, kicking himself at how corny he sounds. He backs up, opening the door wider for Noel to squeeze in and then shutting it behind him. “How… How are you?”

Noel shrugs, unzipping his hoodie and placing it over the back of Cody’s couch. As Cody’s eyes follow him, they land on a thick white hospital bracelet dangling from Noel’s wrist. “I’m okay, now. I passed out in the Uber last night and woke up in the hospital, so that was kinda scary. Then, in the hospital I woke up and had a mini-seizure, so they kept me overnight and then for most of today. Did a shit-load of testing, made sure I didn’t have a concussion or a traumatic brain injury or whatever.” He leans against the couch and looks at Cody, and smiles when he catches the expression on his face. “I’m fine. They cleared me, see?” He holds up his wrist.

Cody grabs it gently and reads the hospital bracelet. The touch lingers for a second, and he lets the arm go. “That’s good. You coming at like, 11 P.M or whatever time it is now definitely made it seem like you broke out of the hospital.”

Noel chuckles a little, easy laugh. “They were going to keep me and just clear me in the morning, but,” he shudders his shoulders, “I hate hospitals. Wanted to get the fuck out of there.” Cody nods, looking down at his own feet.

“I get that,” then he looks back to Noel, “did you want to do anything?”

“No.” Noel says, crossing his arms and looking up to Cody again. “Just wanted to hang out, talk with you. I,” there’s a weird pause. It makes Cody look up, and Noel’s mouth opens and shuts again like he doesn’t know what to say. “I missed you, I guess. My friends are cool and all but they’re annoying sometimes. Too much. You’re… I don’t know. You get when I need quiet time. It’s never awkward with you.”

Cody could explode. He doesn’t, though, all he does is extend his hand for Noel. They dap each other up, pull each other into a hug. “Thanks, man. That means a lot,” Cody says, and the embrace is warm between them. When they pull off, Noel is red. He nods, and wraps around the couch to throw himself onto it. Cody follows suit, tossing his feet up onto the coffee table and turning the television on. 

The night drags along, but it’s not as bad as it usually is. Hours are swallowed away from them once Noel digs into Cody’s Netflix, sitting up straighter and suggesting a bunch of series’ he’s started but hasn’t finished. Cody quickly learns that Noel’s taste in entertainment is kind of dark - they finish the R. Kelly documentary and start the one about Michael Jackson and Noel laughs at all the facial expressions Cody makes. They both make a lot of fucked up jokes, ones that end with Cody and Noel gripping their stomachs. Almost as if on cue, once the Michael Jackson documentary ends, Noel’s phone rings.

Cody watches him glance down to the caller I.D. Noel’s expression drops. “I’ll be right back,” he says, handing the television’s remote to Cody. Cody’s eyebrows raise, and he sits up on the couch, watching Noel open his front door and then disappear into the hallway. He looks down at the remote in his hands, debates whether or not he wants to find something more light-hearted to watch, then places the remote next to him on the couch. He stands and moves to the kitchen, opening his cabinets and his refrigerator, trying to find something he could snack on.

It feels like forever before Noel returns. When he does, he almost _slams_ the door behind him, scaring Cody. Cody whips around, and Noel catches his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. Did you find something else to watch? Or are you done for the night?”

“Oh, no! No, I’m just looking for something to eat.” Cody grabs a leftover styrofoam box of Chinese food and smells it. “You want something?”

Noel smirks. “I’m good.” When his smirk falls, so does the rest of his face. “Um, Cody?” Cody’s head whips up to look at him. “Do you… Do you still have the, uh, the piece?” Cody can feel his own expression fall. There’s an uncomfortable, stuffy pause as they both stare at each other.

“I do,” Cody says, carefully. “Why?”

Noel clears his throat. “I just feel uncomfortable leaving you with it.”

Maybe it’s true, but Cody can’t help but feel suspicious. He turns away from Noel, thinking of a response as he puts the Chinese food container back in the refrigerator and pulls out a can of soda. “I get it,” he says, popping open the tab and closing the refrigerator, leaning his back against it and watching Noel for a bit. “I think you should chill out, though. Not think about it.”

Noel raises his head. He watches Cody, eyes still, as if he was trying to analyze what Cody was about to say. Their eye contact is unwavering. Cody shrugs. “Let’s get breakfast tomorrow, we can talk about it. But, dude, maybe this was just a sign. You need a break.”

“Oh, fuck you, man.” Noel scoffs. Cody’s eyes widen. “This- this isn’t a break. I… Shit is really fucked right now. I’m totally strapped for cash. I can’t ask my dad because he’s just as broke as I am, and I already owe my mom like $800, and I owe Aleena like $1,200 because she helped with rent the last few months-” he stops himself, and Cody can see the heavy breathing begin. He puts his open soda on the counter top and extends his hands, grabbing Noel’s biceps.

“Hey,” he says, “hey. Look at me. I’m sorry. I know everything is really rough right now. But you were just in a car accident, and you’re thrusting yourself right into some heavy shit. I’m just asking for a- like half a day of relaxing. Please. For me.”

Noel swallows. “Okay.” Cody nods, and there’s a moment of silence before Noel immediately goes off again. “It’s just that- I’m in a really bad situation now with Dom-”

Cody shakes his friend. “Dude, come on. Don’t think about it. Let’s sit on the couch and watch more fucked up true crime documentaries and make jokes that’ll send us both to hell. You need to relax or you’re just gonna fucking, I don’t know, have another seizure. And I don’t know CPR.” Cody guides the both of them back to the living room, soda can in hand. Noel sits down and grabs the television remote. While he goes shopping in the documentary section of Netflix, Cody takes his time examining his friend. His eyes start at the crown of Noel’s shaken head and end at the hospital bracelet still around his wrist. Cody moves forward and wraps his hand around Noel’s wrist again.

“Should take this off,” he mumbles. Noel watches him like a hawk. Cody balances his soda between his thighs and uses both hands to try and rip the bracelet from his friend’s arm.

“I don’t think it’s going to work,” Noel says, eyes locked at both of their hands. After struggling for a bit, it snaps in half under Cody’s strength and he reads the information on the hospital band. _August 19th_ , he catches, making a mental note to memorize the date. Only a few months away, after all. Cody drops his hand to rub at the red, sore mark the bracelet created on Noel’s wrist from all of the tugging.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Noel shakes his head. “It didn’t hurt,” and when they make eye contact again, Noel smiles. It’s only a split-second moment before their attention is brought back to the television once he starts up a new documentary, something about a missing girl and conspiracies surrounding her. Something that would normally depress Cody, but Noel has him laughing the entire night. Up until just before three in the morning, when the jokes have quieted down due to Noel softly snoozing on the couch. Cody’s eyes are bleary but he sits up, turns off Netflix, and shakes Noel awake.

“Hey,” and when Noel blinks a few times before looking at him he smiles, “you can take the bed tonight.”

Noel shakes his head. “No, man, I can’t do that… The couch is fine.” It only takes one look from Cody before he crumples. “Fuck, fine, I don’t feel like fighting you about this shit.” He stretches his arms behind him, and groans when joints pop. Noel stands, and before disappearing into Cody’s room, pauses by the door. “Goodnight, man. You…” He shakes his head. “You really didn’t have to do all this shit for me. I appreciate it.”

Cody sprawls out on the couch and smiles. “It’s fine. I… You need a fuckin’ break, dude, and I hate to see you all torn up all the time.” Noel is silent in response, only nodding and rubbing the back of his neck as he walks into the bedroom. The house is quiet until morning.

***

In his old age (which isn’t old at all, despite all of Devon and Sam’s jokes) he’s grown to appreciate the mornings. His phone alarm wakes him up at 6:30 A.M., and he only snoozes once before standing and knocking at his bedroom door. When there’s no response, he just pushes the door open and grabs a clean outfit to pull on after his shower. Cody’s back in his bedroom afterwards to lean over the side of the bed and gently shake Noel awake. Noel’s a very… ungraceful sleeper, legs thrown about underneath the covers and Cody’s pillow over his face, blocking out the sunlight bleeding in through the blinds.

“Hey,” Cody tries nicely at first, before it becomes, “hey asshole. Wake up.”

Noel makes a noise from underneath the pillow. That’s his only response, besides rolling over so he’s not facing Cody. “Fucker, I was serious when I said I wanted to get breakfast today. Got like two hours before I have to go to work, let’s go.”

Noel takes the pillow off of his head. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven,” he says, then sits on the bed next to Noel. “C’mon. How are you feeling?”

“Headache…” Noel grumbles, running a hand through his hair before pulling himself up into a sitting position. “You have aspirin?” Cody nods, digs through a bedside table drawer and hands Noel a bottle of painkillers then departs to the kitchen for a glass of water. He watches Noel take the pills then lets his friend nurse the glass of water while they talk. “Where did you want to get breakfast?”

“Nothing fancy. Kind of craving a breakfast burrito.”

Noel takes a sip and nods, showing the most emotion he has since he woke up. “Fuck yes. I know this really good place near the pier.”

“Then let's get going. Did you want to stop by your place? To like, freshen up I mean.” Noel finishes his glass of water before handing it to Cody, scratching the side of his head and looking at his phone before responding. While he looks through notifications, he hums.

“Um, not really, just because it's so out of the way. I could shower before we head out though? And then I’ll get an Uber home after breakfast.” Noel locks his phone, moves to stand off of the bed. “Is there an extra towel in the bathroom?”

“Oh- no, there should be extras in the closet in the hallway. And, um, you can just grab some of my clothes if you want.”

Noel boosts himself up off of the bed, about to depart into the hallway before pausing and turning to laugh at Cody. “I do not fit your clothes, man.”

Cody stands, rustles through his dresser drawers and fishes out a hoodie. Black, basically the only color he's seen Noel wear, and Cody tosses it to him. “Come on. You fit this.” A shirt is tossed soon after. “It's just better than you rewearing clothes you've been wearing for what, nearly two days now?” Noel stares at him but doesn't fight back, instead mumbles a thank you before leaving to take his shower. Cody tidies up a bit around the house and they're out before 7:30. 

The ‘really good place by the pier’ Noel takes them to is maybe a five minute walk from the beach. It’s a food truck, and the morning rush is beginning when they arrive. Noel taps Cody’s bicep, makes a gesture that says _follow me_ , and moves past the line to the window. He daps up the chef up front, holds up two fingers, and slaps a $5 bill on the counter. Cody doesn’t say anything until they’re handed two burritos, two bottles of water, and a ton of napkins. Noel’s guiding them to a table when Cody breaks.

“You know him?”

Noel nods, tossing one leg over the bench and sitting down. “Yeah. Went to high school with him. We used to skip some days and go to the skate park and smoke weed, throw down some bars. He’s cool.”

Cody sits across from him, peeling the aluminum off of his burrito. He opens his mouth to talk but he ends up just shoveling the first bite of warm tortilla into his mouth. As he’s chewing, he nods. “You used to rap in high school?”

Noel’s much more neater with his bites, cracking open his water bottle after he swallows. “Yeah. I mean- I still kind of do, but nothing like back in high school. We used to do rap battles and shit,” he laughs as he drinks his water, “but I still keep a journal and write down some stuff.”

“Gonna let me read it one of these days?”

Noel’s next laugh is louder. Crinkles his eyes, makes Cody smile. “No fuckin’ way.” They eat in silence for a bit before Noel’s eyes land on Cody, drop to the mostly-gone burrito in his hands. “Geez. Hungry?”

Cody finishes the last bite of the burrito (which was probably two or three more bites for the normal person) and nods. “Always.” Noel smiles at him, but his eyes drop to his phone. Suddenly, the table vibrates with a phone call. Cody’s eyes try to catch who is calling but Noel is too fast.

“Gotta take this,” he says, and departs, disappearing behind the food truck. Cody’s eyebrows furrow, and he has a gut feeling that he knows who is calling Noel. He checks his own phone, and his group chat with Marcus, Devon, Sam, and Colby. They’re all awake now, talking about work, and Cody’s eyes flicker back to where Noel disappeared to. He taps a text out into the group chat.

**hey can u tell bossman that im not coming in**

**friend is in the hospital gotta go visit him**

Not wanting to elaborate any further, Cody puts his phone on Do Not Disturb and looks up right as Noel sits back down. He clears his throat. “I gotta leave soon. Going to Compton today. Might as well hit that shit before going home.”

Cody watches him for a little bit. “I’ll go with you. It’s gonna suck with morning rush hour.”

Noel shakes his head. “Don’t you have work, man?”

There is a silence between them, but Noel is strong, and stubborn. His glare stays on Cody the entire time, and Cody tries to match his friend’s intimidating stare but he’s too busy _thinking_ , trying to figure out how to properly word his response without being too accusatory. All Cody does is sigh, shake his head. “Listen, I know you’re considering doing some shit with the guys from the race. Like,” he looks behind them, ducks his head down, “like illegal shit. And I don’t know what to do, because I know you’re a grown ass man who makes his own decisions, but I am another grown ass man who is your friend and I give a shit about you and I don’t want you to do this at all, but…” Cody lifts his hands, exasperated. “You don’t have to listen to me, I’m not your father, and so I’m kind of stuck here thinking _should I just let Noel do whatever the hell he’s doing and be here for him if it turns to shit_ , or _should I tag along and make sure he’s okay through it all because he’s certainly not doing that for himself_. And-and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, and I know you’re smarter than me. But the shit you’re in right now, it’s not permanent. You’re going to make it work. But, this shit? With, with Dom? That’s heavy. And you might think you’re alone through all of this but you’re not.”

Noel is still silent, stare still unwavering. Cody’s losing steam but he still continues. “You have your friends. You see how supportive they are of you at the races, and even outside of them. They’re high school friends. You, you said Aleena’s been helping you, and you got me, man.”

Noel breaks. “Don’t talk about shit you don’t know anything about, Cody.”

A sharp inhale. It almost works, almost beats Cody down into total silence, but he just tightens his eyebrows and shakes his head. “No, dude, you gotta chill with the mysterious, psuedo-macho man bullshit. I’m going with you, to Compton or wherever you’re going today, and I’m going to help you. You can’t stop me.”

Noel’s hands busy themselves crumpling up his burrito wrapper, and he looks away from Cody to throw out his garbage. He stands when he’s done. “You know you’re fucking annoying, right?” Cody stands, throws out all of his things, and claps Noel on the shoulder.

“Oh yeah. Known for a while. And now you’re stuck with me, so, sucks to be you. Now what’s the address, so I can order us an Uber?”

***

Cody doesn’t frequent outside of Venice, Long Beach, or Anaheim. Sometimes Devon will invite the entire crew out to a bar, or strip club, bordering on Glendale or Santa Monica and that’s really it, but he’s only heard stories about places like Inglewood or Compton. He never knew whether or not to believe them, because a frat boy, Duke graduate Olympic-qualified diver airing his opinions on gang-infested Los Angeles County felt way out of place. Noel, however, grew up in Santa Clarita (despite the years he spent in Toronto, which he doesn’t talk about much) and the stories he tells Cody while pointing at different buildings and street corners make his stomach drop. This was real, and while it wasn’t scary yet, the entire situation had the potential to nosedive very quickly. When they get out of the Uber, Noel looks at him.

“Did you bring the piece?” He asks, and Cody’s mouth drops open.

“Are you insane?”

Noel blinks a few times. “It’s still in your apartment though, right?”

Cody nods. Noel doesn’t say anything back, and only takes off into a walk ahead of Cody. He follows behind, close but not too close, and looks at the streets. “I don’t think anything bad should happen,” Noel says without looking behind him to make sure Cody was following. “We’re just going to his place to talk, and I’m pretty sure I’m on Dom’s good side. I mean, he always wanted to set me up with shit like this because it’d give me fast money to get a new car but I just never did it.” Cody hums behind him. “But I don’t know. Dom’s got boys, you know, and I’m pretty sure he’s closer with Andre than he is me, and Andre doesn’t like me, and-”

“I can’t believe somebody actually doesn’t like you,” Cody walks a bit faster so he’s side-to-side with Noel.

“A lot of people don’t like me,” he responds, and Cody shrugs.

“I guess. But I meant more like, not liking you to the point he’d try to ram you off the road and kill you type of not liking you.”

“Oh,” Noel says, flat, and the conversation stops there. Noel leads them past a few blocks, a few corners, and into an apartment building. They go up two flights of stairs, down a hallway, and stop at a door - 2D. There’s a moment of hesitation between the two, and nobody speaks. After what feels like _hours_ , Noel lifts his hand, knocks on the door, and Cody forgets to breathe for a few seconds. The door swings open. Same seven-foot-tall Dom greets them at the door, extending his hand immediately to Noel.

“Miller,” he smiles, “didn’t think you’d show up.” Dom’s eyes fall to Cody. There’s no dap-up, just a head shake. “I seen you at the races. You a business partner?”

Before Cody has a chance to reply and potentially fuck this all up, Noel nods. “Yeah. We,” hazel eyes meet Cody’s face for a split second, “we used to work together in Silicon Valley.”

Someone, behind Dom, sitting on the couch scoffs. “Man, fuck those white software engineering bitches.” The response brings a laugh out of Cody. Even though he can just barely see behind Dom, he can tell there’s a lot of people inside of the apartment. Dom continues in a conversation with Noel, bringing the two of them deeper into the apartment. There are two couches in the living room, filled with people, and a few other guys roam the kitchen. Dom brings Noel and Cody into the kitchen with those men, says a few words to them and they disappear. He gestures for the two of them to sit at the table. 

“How you been since the accident?” Dom asks Noel, and he shrugs.

“Okay, I guess. Just,” Noel wrings his hands, “don’t feel the same without a car, you know?” Dom nods, claps Noel on the shoulder.

“Yeah. But that’s why I asked you to come. You know I got boys all over L.A., and they all do a bunch of shit that’ll get you easy cash to get a new car.” There’s a pause. Dom’s face contorts into a smile. “A better car.” Noel just nods. “I got like three main things you can do. I already know you’re going to say no to going out with Gio.”

Noel’s eyebrows tighten. “Why?”

One of Dom’s boys comes in from the living room. “Gio runs girls. He’s a pimp.”

Cody can’t control the way his eyes widen, and Noel shakes his head. “Yeah, no. I just-” he laughs, uncomfortable, “I wouldn’t feel right doing that.”

Dom’s guy nods. “Well you either gotta run guns back and forth with Mike or drugs and cars with Andre.” Noel’s head whips towards him. Cody watches him the entire time. A conversation picks up, but his phone buzzes in his pocket, and takes him out of it. On his homescreen, an Instagram notification lights up. Cody tries to pay attention to the conversation at hand, but the username was familiar enough to pull him out of it.

**itsaleeena**

Hey, do you know Noel Miller?

**codyko**

yeah we’re friends

are you his aleena

**itsaleeena**

Yeah, we’ve known each other for a while

Do you know where he is now?

I heard he was in the hospital but he’s not answering my texts

Cody’s head moves up to watch Noel. They’re talking about weed, different plugs, cars and guns, and Cody’s face twists up. Aleena seemed important to Noel, but he wasn’t talking to her. His head drops back down to his phone.

**codyko**

we’re hanging out right now

he was in a car accident but he’s fine

i mean i think he’s mostly fine

**itsaleeena**

He’s hard to get answers out of I get it.

I’ve known him since college and he hasn’t changed much.

Except gotten into more dangerous things, I guess

Someone sent the racing video you posted on your story to me

I guess I just recognized the car. I thought he had stopped racing

I thought he got a job but I guess not. I’m just worried about him

**codyko**

when did he stop responding to you?

**itsaleeena**

A few weeks ago. He was never good at texting

Or talking… or just communicating. Kind of why we broke up

I don’t blame him though, a lot of stuff has happened

I’m glad he has somebody else that isn’t his high school friends

I love them but they kind of enable his self-destructiveness

**codyko**

i havent known him for that long

but i can kind of see what ur talking about

its kinda gotten worse since the accident

**itsaleeena**

I can imagine

I can’t force him to text me

Can you just take care of him for me?

I know that’s weird

**codyko**

no i dont think its weird

i will

**itsaleeena**

Thank you. Noel needs somebody to love him if he’s not going to do it himself.

Cody locks his phone. Noel turns his head to look back at him and he offers the slightest smile which Cody happily reciprocates. Cody’s eyes move up to Dom and he nods, despite not knowing what the conversation was about at all. Dom nods back. “We can do the first job tonight, because I know Andre is going to Inglewood to pick up a few bricks.” Cody’s mouth falls open and he looks at Noel, who is rightly leading the conversation.

“Um, okay. When? And- I’m… What am I doing?” Or, rather, trying to lead the conversation.

“Just driving them to and from. Just a little trial run before I send both of y’all into some heavier shit.” Cody nods. Dom’s eyes land on him and his eyeballs widen a bit. “I think Andre got his own boys so he might pull up with a shit-ton of them or just one or two. And I know he drives a Subaru when he ain’t racing so,” Dom looks back to Noel, “lemme know if you can bring your own boy or not.”

Cody doesn’t like thinking about Noel going to a drug deal, picking up _bricks_ of _cocaine_ by himself. And even when Dom dismisses them, dapping them both up, Cody can’t help but feel the weight of his phone in his pocket. The weight of the promise he gave to Aleena. On the way out, Noel clears his throat and bumps into Cody as they’re going down the stairs.

“Are you good?” Noel asks him, and when Cody turns to look at him, Noel gives him the smallest of smiles. “It was kind of a lot.” Cody shakes his head, patting Noel’s back as he opens the door to the apartment building for the both of them so they can leave.

“I’m fine. Kind of felt like I was in some heist movie or whatever.” Noel laughs, but Cody’s face tightens up. “Are you okay? Like, I don’t- don’t wanna spring on you like this, but just in general. You good?”

Noel shakes his head. “Dude. I’m good. I’m not going to do this shit forever, just until I can get a new car and pay some rent.”

Cody pauses in the middle of the sidewalk. “You know what I meant.”

Noel stops ahead of him, raising his hands exasperatedly. “Cody, come on. I’m fine.”

“I just…” Cody doesn’t want to start a fight, but he doesn’t want to walk on eggshells around Noel, but he also doesn’t want to stand by while Noel isolates himself. “Aleena messaged me on Instagram, and she’s worried about you, man.” Noel’s face drops but before he can speak, Cody continues. “I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to be all mad and tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I barely know you, but I know you’re struggling. I know you’ve been struggling and it’s just gotten worse.”

The anger falls from Noel’s face. It’s astonishing how quickly sadness overtakes it. Cody can feel his heart race when the threat of Noel crying emerges fast. He doesn’t know what to do - but he lifts his hand, grabs Noel’s pinky finger and soon envelopes his whole hand with his. “You’re not alone, man.” Cody prepares himself for the disgust, almost flinching prematurely when Noel moves towards him. He’s ready for all the yelling, anger, disgust, but Noel just melts in Cody’s arms. And Cody holds his body and holds it tight, pulling away and nodding. 

“I’m ride or die. Especially now.”

***

They uber to Compton again, later that night after hanging out the entire day. Cody offered dinner for hours, from Chick-fil-A to Jon and Vinny’s, but Noel’s anxiety ruined his appetite. They sit outside of Dom’s apartment until Andre shows up, Noel going through three cigarettes while Cody’s eyes flickered from his phone to his friend. Whenever the wind blows the smoke towards Cody, Noel clams up. He apologizes every time, and Cody shakes his head, tells him that it’s fine. Cody has to bite back the urge to comfort and hug Noel the entire night.

A red Subaru pulls up right in front of them. It stops, and 3 people pile out. Noel is up immediately, snuffing his cigarette underneath his shoe and looking back at Cody. He gestures for Cody to stand up, and he swallows, following the silent direction and tucking his hands into his jacket pockets. The three other men meet them halfway. “Miller,” the tallest one says, extending his hand in greeting. 

“What’s up, Andre?” Noel says, nodding towards the other two men. “Who’re your boys?”

“Who’s your boy?” Andre responds almost immediately, walking towards Cody. He doesn’t tower over Cody like Dom does, but he still intimidates him- the face tattoos don’t help.

“Ko,” Cody says, extending his own hand in a dap-up. Andre watches him for a bit, then nods. They dap each other up and Andre looks back at his boys. He gestures to the taller one.

“This is Christian,” Christian nods, “goes by Diamond Pistols.” Andre gestures to the other guy, tall but his most distinguishable feature is his long hair. “That’s Garrett. Goes by Spock. Pretty sure he and Miller go back.” Behind wide, clear glasses frames, Spock’s eyes fall on Noel. They nod at each other. “Don’t need to know much more I think. Deal’s going down in 30. Hop in, Chauffeur, we’re going to Long Beach.”

Cody’s eyes immediately shoot to Noel. He visibly swallows but silently goes to the driver’s side of the car. “Wait,” Christian calls, leaning into the back seat and pulling out a piece. The gun metal glints in the moonlight. “Dom wanted me to give this to Noel’s guy.” Cody looks over the top of the car and freezes. Noel wraps his hand around the grip of the gun and passes it over to Cody. Cody holds it like it’s live, about to blow off at any second even when he sits down in the passenger’s seat.

Noel turns on the car. The radio is loud, startling, and Cody jumps at the song. He struggles putting his seatbelt on, but Noel’s hand falls over his, takes the gun from his grip, and puts it on the dashboard. “Safety’s on, you’ll be fine.” Cody stares at him, and somehow, Noel smiles back. “Buckle in. We’ll be good.” 

Cody knows that during the ride, which is twenty minutes max, Andre and Christian and Garrett try to make conversation with him but Cody cannot hear anything besides his heartbeat. The gun is heavy in his hands, but heavier underneath his body as he hides it beneath his thigh when the car rolls to a stop in a cul de sac. The three in the backseat get out, grab a duffel bag from the trunk, and move to a dingy, broken down house a few yards from the car. Noel puts the car into reverse so they can easily get out of the cul de sac, and his voice cuts through Cody’s heartbeat.

“You ever do coke?”

Cody moves to look at Noel. His eyebrows tighten. “What?”

“I said, have you ever done coke?  _ Cocaina _ ,” he puts a ridiculous accent on the last word, making Cody chuff a laugh through his nose. He clears his throat afterwards and shrugs.

“I dunno,” his lips curl into the shittiest of grins, “maybe once or twice.” He crosses his arms in front of him. “I was at this party once and  _ everyone _ was doing coke, and this dude asked this chick I knew if she could blow it up his ass.”

“No fuckin’ way.”

Cody looks at Noel again. “Yeah, and she did it, then he did it to her. Fucking insane.” Noel looks back at the house where the three still stand at the front door, talking to somebody who answered their knocks.

“Not shocked, you white people and coke-” Yelling starts outside, but not from the house. It’s from down the block, and Noel stops talking. He looks at the driver’s side door and rolls down the window on Cody’s side. They’re both dead silent, quiet envelopes the car once Noel turns the radio off, and they just listen. The yelling comes closer and closer until it’s a group of four or five white guys descending down the cul de sac, approaching Noel and Cody’s guys. They’re yelling something about areas, how this was theirs and Dom said he was going to stop hosting races in Long Beach so  _ all _ business of theirs had to stop. Spock looks to the car and Noel makes a ‘come here’ gesture, but Spock shakes his head, looks down at the duffel bag.

They still have the money, Cody realizes, they haven’t exchanged it for the drugs. The bag is passed from Andre to Diamond Pistols and then from Diamond Pistols to one of the guys inside of the house, and they start to take off towards the guys who are arguing. As soon as they approach, however, the group of white guys take out their guns and shoot into the siding of the house they just dealt in. Cody presses his body against the seat, and Noel unlocks the car doors, rolls down his window.

“Come on!” He calls to the other guys, and Cody needs to focus on his breathing before he loses his mind. One guy moves towards the Subaru, aims his gun at the car and shoots. A bullet dings off of the roof of the car, and Noel whips his head towards Cody. His eyes are wide. “Duck,” he says, but it’s muffled to Cody. “Duck!” He shouts, hand landing on the back of Cody’s neck and pushing his chest into his knees. Cody exhales so hard he thinks he might throw up, then he hears Noel’s hands work on his gun and shoot it out of Cody’s window. It’s deafening, and Cody has to cover his ears to feel any sort of sane. It feels like he skips through time, because when Noel’s hand returns to Cody’s back the car is full of their people. Cody sits back up, shaking so hard he can barely see straight, and Noel moves his hand to the gear shift. The car whips in reverse, nearly hitting the guys shooting at them, and Spock rolls down his window. He shoots a few times towards them, and all of their necks crane as Noel moves the car into drive and speeds out of the cul de sac. Everybody is loud when they start to talk, but Cody is silent, biting the inside of his cheeks and trying to stop the shaking. 

When he moves his hands through his hair, and blinks a few times, they’re in Venice. It’s like they teleported, just him and Noel, to the road outside of his apartment. Noel’s hand rests on Cody’s bicep and green eyes meet hazel when Noel’s thumb caresses where the sleeve of shirt meets skin.

“You okay?” Noel asks, voice the most gentle Cody’s heard it. “I didn’t think that was going to happen.”

Cody shakes his head. “Don’t- it’s fine, I’m fine…” He swallows. “Are you okay?”

The smile Noel gives him is forced. “Yeah. Missed driving,” he clears his throat. Before Cody can ask what happened while he was losing his mind, Noel reaches into his pocket. Between his fingers is a joint. “Wanna smoke?”

Cody exhales like he’s deflating. “Please,” he says, even though he hates smoking weed, and extends his hand towards Noel.

Noel tries to slip the joint between Cody’s fingers, but Cody’s hand dodges it. His hand grips Noel’s empty one and their fingers interlock, and they disappear upstairs.


	3. don't lose hope my son, this is the last one

After taking his time to relax, Cody finally lets himself fall back into his old routine. Sometimes Noel will sleep over, they’ll go see a movie or catch dinner and then Cody will wake up in the morning and go to work. The weekdays go by like torture. Hanging out with Marcus and Devon again make it somewhat tolerable, even though Devon’s stares burn the hairs off of Cody’s head when Noel visits for lunch.

The first time it takes him off-guard. Noel’s in his big bomber jacket and looking kind of lost as he comes down the hallway, phone clenched in one hand (as if he had even texted Cody before showing up) and a plastic bag full of food in the other. Cody’s lucky to have caught him through the glass door of his office, and he immediately popped out to grab Noel’s arm. The first time they spent lunch together it was all laughs, Cody wiping his clean mouth with a napkin because his face was burning too much, and Devon kicking him underneath the chair. The second and third time it’s just them, venting to each other and throwing down shitty rhymes and talking about how much programming sucks, and how they both desperately needed vacations. With the heavy workload Cody has, he slowly began to find himself looking forward to Noel showing up around 2 P.M., and the way Noel’s face breaks into a smile whenever his eyes landed on Cody.

On Friday, his routine finally shifts to what it used to be. He goes back home and gets dressed kind of nice and they go to a decent Asian restaurant in Anaheim and bar-hop the entire night afterwards. Around the second bar Devon is feeling tipsy and happy, tossing loose arms around Cody and talking about how much he’s missed him the last few times Devon, Marcus, and Colby went bar-hopping. Cody shakes his head and tries to push his friend off but Devon only sticks to him harder. They’re about to wrestle before Marcus comes sprinting up to them, slapping hands on Cody’s shoulders.

“Dude,” he says, quick and hushed, “Cody, look at six o’clock,” he tells him, and Cody cranes his neck to look in the direction Marcus tells him. “You see the tall-ish brunette, blue dress?”

Cody leans towards Marcus, still practically cradling Devon. “The one next to the redhead?”

Marcus hums. “They’re interested.” Cody pulls away a bit. Marcus’ eye contact is unwavering. “Are you down?”

Cody swallows hard. “Let me go to the bathroom real quick,” he drops a hand to his stomach. “That stirfry from earlier isn’t sitting right.” As soon as his friends drop off of him, Cody departs to the bar’s bathroom and, in possibly the shittiest decision in his entire life, sits on the toilet and orders an Uber back to his place. And as he sneaks into the black SUV, not telling any of his friends where he was going, he calls Noel just to tell him to meet Cody at his apartment, if he’s down. A bit of a drive later, Cody is fumbling with his apartment’s keys when Noel sneaks up on him.

“You okay?” Cody hears his voice before he even hears his footsteps and it makes him jump. The keys fall unceremoniously to the floor below his apartment door. Cody leans forward, tipsy but not drunk enough to fall over, and presses his clammy forehead to the cold door. He almost flinches when a hand presses between his shoulder blades, but then he remembers who’s touching him. “Been drinking?”

Cody tries to nod, but he just presses his forehead harder against the door. Noel ducks down below him, grabbing the fallen set of keys and looking through them until Cody moves his head up. “It’s the key painted with nail polish,” he tells his friend, and Noel lifts said key up from the rest on the ring. Even in the shitty lighting of the hallway, the glittery nail polish stands out to the both of them, and Noel only responds with shaking his head. “What?” Cody says, smile crawling onto his face.

“Nothing,” Noel replies, almost analyzing Cody before moving towards the door, pushing the key into the lock and opening it up for the both of them to enter. Almost immediately, Cody beelines to the refrigerator and tears it open, glaring at the bottles of beer for almost too long before forcing himself to settle on a cold bottle of water. He rips it open, chugs half of the bottle in one sip and almost keeps going - but his phone buzzing in his back pocket distracts him. When he pulls it out, Devon’s contact photo shines on the screen. Noel comes into the kitchen and puts the keys down onto the counter. “Who is it?” He asks.

Cody finishes the bottle of water, crumples it, and throws it into the trash can. It misses but he doesn’t even notice, he’s busy brushing past Noel (ignoring the way feeling Noel’s body  _ barely _ against his for  _ maybe _ 0.2 seconds made him burn under his collar) and moving towards the bathroom. “It’s Devon,” he says, swiping to answer and putting the phone to his ear. “Hello?” Cody answers, closing the bathroom door behind him and turning the light on. He sits on the lip of the bathtub and flinches with how loud Devon replies to him.

“Dude, where the fuck are you? Marcus has been looking for you for like 15 minutes and we just realized we could’ve just called you the entire time,” he says, sounding considerably more drunk than he was when Cody left. The bar noise is muffled behind him. The guilt begins to settle into Cody, making him take his bottom lip between his teeth and chew it raw.

“I thought I told you guys I didn’t feel good,” he tries, bouncing his leg, the heel of his loafer gently clicking on the bathroom’s tiled floor.

Devon pauses for a bit. “I mean- you did but I thought you were just going to blow chunks in the bathroom. And you’re not there, right? Or are you in another bar?”

Cody’s elbow digs into the meat of his thigh, and he rests his forehead in his palm. “No. I took an Uber home,” he swallows, looking up and lowering his voice. “I’m hanging out with Noel.” The groan from Devon is loud and obviously annoyed, and it makes Cody grip his forehead harder.

“Why am I not surprised?” Devon’s quiet as he moves away from the phone and updates Marcus. “Are you, like, pissed at us dude? You always ditch us for Noel.”

Cody’s eyebrows tighten and he lifts his head. “I’m not mad at you guys. I just,” he looks back to the bathroom door. The realization that he has to tell Devon, right now, in order to avoid a fight while they’re both drunk weighs heavy on him - he can feel his shoulders drop. He quiets his voice down to a whisper. “I just really like him, you know?”

The silence on the other end could kill him. Finally: “You  _ like _ him?”

Cody’s sigh falls out of his mouth like a sob. “I do. A lot. He’s just- he’s funny and he makes me laugh a lot and he’s so fucking  _ cool _ , Devon,” he presses the phone so close to his face, “sometimes I just look at him and feel like I’m going to lose my mind.”

Devon exhales hard enough to dispel all of the tension and joy slowly filters back into his voice. “I get it, man. I kind of knew, I guess, but you- I- I don’t know. Just wish you told us.”

“I’m sorry,” Cody wipes his hand down his face, “this is all just fucking terrifying for me.”

“I get it,” Devon’s starting another conversation with Marcus on the other end, “go lose your mind some more. We’ll always be here for you.” Heat builds behind Cody’s eyes and he has to press his hand into them before he starts crying.

“Thanks, guys. Text me when you get home, okay?” Devon and Marcus say their goodbyes before hanging up, and Cody slips his phone back into his pocket. He stands, moves to the sink, presses cold water to his skin and dries himself off before looking in the mirror. The acceptance from his friends lifts his shoulders back up, so much so that he re-enters his living room without even thinking about Noel possibly overhearing any of that. Cody tosses off his shoes, undoes a few buttons on his shirt and throws himself onto the couch next to Noel. His head rests on Noel’s shoulder, and Cody barely makes it through the first act of the first movie of the night before falling asleep.

***

Noel is gone when Cody wakes up. The feeling, muted by the hangover clouding his brain, still stings. He still stands up, even though his head feels stuffed with cotton, and cleans around the apartment. Cody’s swallowing down a few Advil with another bottle of water when his phone buzzes loudly on the kitchen counter. Noel’s contact lights up the screen - still with no picture. Cody almost chokes on the water with how quickly he tries to answer it.

“Hello?” He coughs, wiping water from his mouth.

“Hey,” the smooth voice greets him, “I tried to wake you up before I bounced but you were out cold. Hungover?” Noel asks, and Cody nods as if he could see him.

“Kind of, I wasn’t that drunk but,” he shrugs, “I’m feeling it though. Where’d you take off to?”

Noel’s attention is wavering. Cody thinks he can hear a car in the background, but he’s not sure, until Noel speaks again. “Andre called and said he’d lent me the Subaru for a few days. Even though the last job went kind of shitty Dom said he’s going to pay me - us, technically - and probably send us on something else.”

Cody wants to melt into the floor. Things were just starting to feel normal, and now it seems as people were kicking them up again. “Already?” He says, almost bratty, and Noel scoffs on the other end.

“Nobody said you had to tag along,” he says, quick and almost aggressive, and Cody shakes his head.

“I’m not letting you do this alone.”

There’s silence on the other line until something shifts inside of the car. Noel sighs. “Are you dressed? I’m outside.” And even though Cody has the smallest inkling of a feeling that they’re going to fight, and he feels fucking pathetic doing so, he changes out of the clothes from last night and meets Noel in the red Subaru outside of his apartment.

Cody has no idea where they’re going but they’re fighting. They’re fighting like an old married couple, and it hurts especially when Cody can see the pain on Noel’s face. It’s so obvious that Noel doesn’t  _ want _ to do this, but he just feels like he  _ has _ to, and Cody has no way of letting him know that this isn’t the only thing he has to do. Or he tries to let Noel know but Noel’s ears aren’t open enough to hear him. It only gets worse, when they’re stopped at red lights and turning towards each other and raising their voices, Cody shaking his head and cutting Noel off whenever he pulls out some bullshit reasoning. Then, Cody can see the watery flick of tears in Noel’s eyes when the light turns green and they drive on like nothing happened, Cody red in the face and Noel quivering like some small dog.

“I just-” Noel takes a hand off of the wheel and balls it up into a fist, wipes his eyes clean with it. “I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe since high school, man. I don’t know what to do if everything’s always going to feel like it’s spiraling. I’m just spiraling, and- I always said I’d  _ never _ be like my homies back in fucking Santa Clarita High that are in prison now or dead for fucking around with shit like this.”

Cody’s reduced to silence, half watching his group chat notifications light up with congratulations for him, half wanting to cry himself. Noel slows to a stall under another red light, finally turning to look at Cody. “It just feels like some crazy, fucked up cycle.” Cody catches his gaze and watches him, with his heartbeat building in his ears. He thinks about the last time he saw Noel in this state, and how badly Cody had wanted to kiss him then, rip him out of his negative thoughts and let him know that there is someone who’s not his family or childhood best friends who loves him so unconditionally it hurts sometimes.

And so he does, elbow on the center console between the two, pushing himself forward and tilting his head just to the right enough so he can press his lips against Noel’s, soft and caring and almost  _ tender _ , making his chest weigh so much it knocks the air out of him. Noel doesn’t move for a bit, and Cody doesn’t open his eyes to check the look on his face until a hand rests on his cheek. Cody pulls away, finally, pushing himself into the back of his seat and breathing out heavy.

“Light’s green,” he finally says, and the car jerks into drive.

***

They’re sitting in Dom’s apartment again. Well, Cody is, between two men who are way bigger than him, who ask him questions about the last job they went on. Noel brought him inside of the apartment then excused himself, disappearing down the hall and back down the stairs before Cody could tense his fingers in Noel’s jacket sleeve. When the conversation between Cody and Dom’s guys quiets down, he resorts to texting his group chat, hiding smiles and laughs when Devon and Marcus roast him about his new, schoolboy crush.  _ If only they knew how badly I fucked that one up _ , Cody can’t help but think, inhaling deep and looking back at Dom’s guys.

“Hey, I have a question,” he says, eyebrows tightening. They all look at him and wait. “Don’t Noel and Andre have beef? Like- I,” he suddenly feels like he’s trespassing on territory that he knows nothing about, something Noel hates, “he told me that Andre was the one who fucked up his car.”

The man sitting to Cody’s right - he thinks his name is Hector, but Cody isn’t 100% sure - shrugs. “Shit changes when you both focused on securing a bag. Andre has a family and shit, you know, he got reasons to be doing this shit. Reasons just as valid as Noel’s.” Hector’s eyes scan Cody for a bit. “I mean, I don’t know Andre like that. But I like Noel, he’s a great driver, no doubt he’s got motherfuckers wanting him dead.”

The anxiety soaks over Cody like cold water. He’s silent, just nodding a bit and trying to swallow it all down, only feeling a bit better when there’s a knock at the front door again and Noel enters, nodding at everybody and looking right at Cody. He gestures towards the kitchen, and Cody stands, following right behind him. Dom’s grabbing a rolled blunt from another friend of his when they move towards him, sparking it up and nodding at the two of them.

“Hey, Miller!” He stands, grabbing Noel in a friendly hug. “You really saved my guy’s asses back then during that first job, you know that? You’re a good fuckin’ driver, which is why for the next job I think I wanna send you to uh,  _ enemy territory _ if you will.”

“Wasn’t the last job on enemy territory?” Cody blurts out, and he can see Noel tense as soon at the question saturates the air. Dom, however, only chuckles.

“I guess, I just didn’t know they’d be there. But this time I’m sending you right to the source. A couple of guys I know who were a part of the Sureños while doing time are out now, and they got a bunch of little associates running drugs now. Little do they know, that’s your job now. And I heard from a little birdie that they got a brand new Mitsubishi waiting to be souped up,” Dom knocks into Noel. “You ain’t gotta take the car, but if you want, it’s the Mitsubishi Evo, a 2002 or 2003 model. Black. If you want it, go ahead, but just be careful. They do a lot of human trafficking and if the cops know about the car, it’ll track back to you.”

Noel shakes his head. “I’ll just wait to buy a Civic, man. This is like, a legit gang, I don’t want to fuck with them.”

Dom shrugs. “Your choice. As long as you guys are still strapped, I’ll call Andre and send you guys in at night time, probably.”

“Like, toni-”

Noel cuts Cody off. “Sounds good, man. Just text me the details.” He says, fast, moving to leave the apartment. Cody waves goodbye to everybody before following behind him, having to walk fast just to catch up with Noel.

“Dude, are you okay?”

Noel walks all the way back to Andre’s Subaru, wrapping around to the driver’s side door and pausing for a bit before finally responding. “Why now?” He asks, all mad and tight eyebrows and shrugging shoulders. Cody stands on the sidewalk directly across from him and raises his hands exasperatedly. 

“What? He was just going to send us into actual  _ gang territory _ and I- tonight? Like just tonight?”

Noel rips open the door, throws himself in and slams it shut. Cody follows, confused, looking at the other man and shaking his head. “What is your issue?”

“I’m not talking about the job, you fucking dumbass, why’d you think it was okay to kiss me  _ now _ ?”

Cody’s blood runs cold. “What?”

“Did Aleena tell you that we used to date?” Noel finally looks at him, and Cody can muster the smallest nod. “She was like, my rock, honestly. I put so much on her and that was so selfish, but she was the only good thing left in my life. If we didn’t meet in college, I probably would have killed myself and nobody would have cared.”

“Noel…”

A hand comes up from the steering wheel. Cody stops himself. “I just sort of forced myself into that relationship because I didn’t want to believe I liked guys, too. And I did love her, I really did, but she knew that it just wasn’t right. She has so much going for her and when she broke up with me, she told me that I needed to spend some time just figuring out who I really was. I didn’t, though, just threw myself back into racing. Then I met you,” he says, looking at Cody and shaking his head. “And I kind of feel myself falling into that same self-destructive cycle I always fall into and I just told myself I didn’t like you because I know if I asked you out, I’d push myself onto you again so I didn’t have to deal with my problems. That’s not right.”

Cody opens his mouth, dry lips and all, and shakes his head. “I don’t care, Noel.” The phrase,  _ I love you _ , rings through his head and Cody feels himself almost quiver. “You deserve happiness.”

Noel almost falls speechless. “I guess, but not at your expense.” He starts the car and begins the drive back to Venice. Cody wants the car to park again, wants to grab Noel’s wrists and press Noel’s bony hands to his face and tell him how much he cares about him. But he doesn’t, he just buckles his seatbelt and looks out of the window as they drive on and off highways. When they’re about half of the way home, Noel takes his hand off the steering wheel and locks his fingers with Cody’s.

***

After the conversation they had on the way home, Cody fully believed Noel was going to drop Cody off back at his apartment and take off as soon as Cody’s hand touched the doorknob. But Noel parked, got out along with Cody and they spent the night together, ordered Hawaiian food and watched movies together until they were called to Andre’s location. It felt absolutely horrible, having to get up and practically step into a life that didn’t even feel like Cody’s anymore. It’s terrifying when Andre tells them that the gang’s location is just a few minutes from Venice Beach, and they can practically walk there. Almost enough to make Cody feel unsafe in his own neighborhood, but the smile Noel gives him when Noel tosses a look over his shoulder - although uneasy and shaky - is enough to straighten Cody’s posture and quicken his walking speed, so he’s alongside Noel the entire time.

“How many more jobs like these until you can afford the Civic?” Cody asks, unprompted, looking towards Noel as they walk. They stop at a crosswalk, maybe half a mile away from the beach, and Noel tucks his hands into his sweatshirt’s pocket.

“Probably just one or two, honestly,” Noel leans against the light pole. “I want enough to buy the car, soup it up, obviously, but also enough to just be comfortable again. Pay off all the debts I owe.” He looks up to the other side of the street, beginning in a stride. “Maybe take Dom’s guys out some place, maybe Vegas or some shit. Andre especially. I owe them a lot.”

Cody nods, placing a hand on Noel’s back. “Sounds fun, dude. Just be careful tonight, okay?” Noel nods, and they weave in between two buildings into an alleyway. Andre, Spock, and Diamond Pistols are there, Andre’s nursing a cigarette when they notice Cody and Noel approaching.

“Hey, man,” Noel begins, giving all of them handshakes before shoving his hands back into his pockets. “I wanted to ask you, are these dudes really Sureños?” Cody looks in between them, wanting to hear the answer, too. He’s never heard of this prison gang before, but it was a prison gang. Cody felt like he knew about as much as he needed to know about the Sureños just by their background.

“Yeah, Dom knows a couple of them. Became Sureños while locked up, now they’re out here running business for the big guys still inside. Not like it fuckin’ matters, man, we’re gonna get rid of them tonight.”

Cody’s eyes shoot open. Spock catches the shocked look on his face and laughs. When he realizes that he’s caught, Cody drops his face, clears his throat, and can suddenly feel the hefty weight of gunmetal in his pants. Andre doesn’t notice, however, he just instructs the group to keep walking as he gives a basic timeline for tonight. They’re going to pull up to the garage,  _ get rid _ of whatever gang members were there, and even though Dom said they didn’t have to, Andre wants to take the Mitsubishi. He says it’s loaded with drugs, more than they’ve ever run, and they’d be set for at least a couple of months after this. Sounds easy when he’s explaining it, but with the tension in the air, it seems as if everybody knows that this is not going to be the walk in the park Andre is making it seem.

Cody’s too busy in his thoughts to even notice they’re approaching the garage. There’s a bunch of garage doors, actually, maybe 40-50 feet ahead of them, blocked by a chain-link fence. Spock’s up first, then Diamond Pistols, then Noel, Cody, and Andre. As soon as they land on their feet, hoods are tossed up over their heads, and guns are out. Andre does the initial talking, but it’s muffled to Cody. It starts out calm, though, and when it escalates to yelling, Noel tightens his fist in Cody’s sleeve, near the elbow.

“Come,” he says, dragging Cody towards a dumpster. They kneel behind it, and Noel’s face is covered in shadows underneath the street lamp lighting. “This is going to be a lot, but just shoot. If you miss, you miss, that’s okay - and fucking  _ duck _ when you reload, okay?” Noel tosses a glance above the dumpster. He takes his gun out, turns the safety off, and waits to pounce until the first pop rings out ahead of them. The loud noise, then scuffling of feet as they run away from the sound and the falling of a body all overstimulate Cody. It’s even louder when Noel stands, presses his hand to the top of the dumpster, and rings a few shots out. Cody looks around the corner of the dumpster, following Noel’s actions - turning the gun live - and he clenches his finger around the trigger once.

The recoil hurts his hand, makes his wrist cock backwards so uncomfortably he falls onto his ass behind the dumpster. Noel immediately moves his body back down, kneeling beside Cody. “You okay?” He asks, eyes wide and wild.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Cody pants, rotating his wrist a few times and getting back onto his knees. He can feel Noel stare at him for a few until he moves back to his position. Cody grips his gun again, a different way, trying to find a way to shoot it without hurting. His hands are shaking so hard despite him trying to focus and aim at somebody that’s not the men he arrived with, but when he shoots it’s so loud and startling that he has no idea if it hit anybody.

He has tunnel vision the entire time, until Noel makes a noise that brings him back. Cody moves back behind the dumpster and looks up at Noel, who stands shocked above him. He’s not moving - or shooting - just standing there with his mouth open. Cody’s confused until the sharp sound of a bullet cutting through the air between them rings through his skull, then his fingers grip into Noel’s sleeve and pull him down. 

“Noel,” he says, gasping almost, “Noel, you okay, right?”

Hazel eyes bore right into him. “I- what? Yeah.” Noel looks around. “I’m… I can’t believe I’m doing this shit, man,” he says, raspy almost, turning to push himself off of the ground so he can continue helping the guys out. It’s absolutely chaos for what feels like hours, until Andre pushes ahead towards the car. Everybody follows behind him, Spock and Diamond Pistols providing covering fire if anybody else were to emerge from the countless other garage doors.

Andre cups his hands, looks right inside of the Mitsubishi Evo. “Look at that, coke and weed and pills and… fucking everything.” He looks back at Noel, grinning. Andre presses the barrel of his gun against the window, popping one shot into the corner. Cody watches as it implodes into thousands of tiny pieces, all held together by the window tiny. Andre doesn’t hesitate, sending the gun’s grip through the window so he can unlock the door. “Miller, know how to hotwire a car?”

All eyes land on Noel. He looks around for a bit, carefully sitting in the driver’s seat, avoiding all glass. Andre nods. “That’s my boy!” He calls, excited as all hell, but Diamond Pistols calls over his shoulder:

“Back-up incoming!”

Andre looks towards them. “Shit,” then he looks to Cody. “Hey, Ko, you take the car with Miller. Drive it to Dom and Hector, they’re waiting at the train tracks near the L.A river.”

“I-I don’t know where that is,” Cody stammers, but Noel speaks from his spot in the driver’s seat.

“I do. It’s by the outlet mall and the shooting range, right?” Andre nods, clapping both Cody and Noel on their shoulders before moving towards the chain-link fence with their guns drawn. Cody wraps around to sit in the passenger’s seat.

He breathes for a bit, trying to calm himself down. “I’m going to fucking upchuck all my god damn dinner,” he says, forehead pressed against the dashboard. Noel laughs, stiff, still busy working. He balances a piece below the wheel on his knee, taking a Swiss army knife out of his pocket and exposing one of the screwdrivers. He shoves it into the ignition, twists, and the Evo purrs to life. Noel sighs, slamming his door shut and pulling the car into drive. They do a K-turn and prepare themselves, facing the chain-link fence. Noel rolls down his window and calls, “yo, clear out!” Andre and his guys look back at them, and Noel flashes his brights a few times, and they watch as Andre, Spock, and Diamond Pistols flee to a few garage doors, pressing tightly against them. Noel presses the gas pedal and they whip forward so fast Cody’s head hits the seat, it forces his body to press against it. The car rips through the fence, ripping it clean off, scratching the hood of the car and sending the fence flying up. It’s enough of a show to almost distract Cody from the car hitting a few of the back-up men. They go flying into walls and posts and it makes Cody nauseous again.

It was almost enough for Cody to finally throw up. But the feeling is ripped away from him when the windshield spider-webs. The glass cracks intricately, almost beautifully, and Cody can’t tell what caused it - the fence, or a body - until the warm feeling spreads from underneath his ribs to his entire body. It feels like he’s being showered with warm water, dripping from his side down to his ass and thighs. The windshield cracks again, in a different spot on the passenger’s side, spreading cracks to Noel’s side but he continues to peel away from Venice Beach. The warm pain radiates from Cody’s side to his collarbone, and then it burns. It’s such a stunning, hot, electrifying pain, it rips the breath and noise from him.

They’re a few blocks away from the scene when Noel finally turns his head towards Cody. His face immediately drops. “Fuck,  _ Cody! _ ”

The gun falls from Cody’s hands when he moves to touch where the unnatural pressure remains. The cloth surrounding the area is damp, wet with sticky, bright red blood when Cody pulls his hand away. “Oh my God,” is all he manages to let out, before his head lulls backwards and he loses consciousness.

When he comes to again, still in shock, Noel’s hand leaves the steering wheel so he can grip Cody. He looks to Noel and swallows thickly, raising his own hands again to hold the wounds.

“Cody, fuck, I’m driving to the hospital, stay awake, please,” he’s begging, and the panic in his voice makes Cody want to cry. So he tries, and he tries like Hell to stay awake, but the adrenaline and shock is overwhelming his system. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, God knows why, head moving to look at Noel. Noel looks back, shaking his head, grabbing Cody’s sticky, bloody hands. Noel’s holding on the tightest Cody’s ever felt, and he feels the grip  even when he loses consciousness again.

***

When he first wakes up, he’s in more pain than he’s ever felt in his entire life. A gloved hand presses his forehead down, so he doesn’t move, and a doctor peers into his vision. He asks some questions, but Cody doesn’t hear the details before he passes out again. It feels as if he wakes up a few minutes later, but he’s in an entirely different room, in different clothes, in no more pain. When he clears the blurriness from his vision, he can see Noel sitting, small, in the chair next to the bed. Devon and Marcus stand near the foot. When he lifts his right arm to wipe his eyes, pain blossoms from his shoulder.

“Fuck,” he groans, and Noel’s head snaps up.

He stands, immediately, grabbing Cody’s hand. “Devon,” he calls, “can you go get a nurse?” Devon nods, and disappears, mumbling something to somebody entering the room. A gorgeous girl enters, and Cody’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Who’s that?” Cody asks Noel, tangling his fingers with his and watching as she smiles at Marcus, coffees in her hand, and moves towards Noel. She passes him one coffee, hand immediately moving to caress the shaved back of his head.

“He’s awake?” She asks Noel, moving to the side of the bed and smiling down at Cody. Noel nods.

He turns around, brings the chair closer to Cody and takes a sip of his coffee. “This is Aleena,” he nods towards her, and she offers Cody the nicest smile he’s ever seen in his life. Cody sighs, turning his head away from Noel to look at Marcus, then, looking back at Noel.

Cody shakes his head, barely. “I’m going to have to compete with her?” He asks, joking, feeling like himself after making Noel laugh. After Devon and a nurse come, check up on him now that he’s awake post-surgery, Cody falls right back asleep. When he wakes up a few hours later, Helen and Greg stand nervously at the sides of his bed.

“Hey,” he says, lifting his left arm - the one that doesn’t sing with pain when he lifts it - and grabs his mother’s hand. She bends over and showers him in kisses, which make him burn bright red, especially when Noel enters the room again.

Noel makes a surprised noise. “Oh, um, you’re Cody’s parents?” They nod, and the smile that climbs onto Cody’s face is lazy and content. Noel moves to the side of Cody’s bed as well, smiling down at him, then over to his mom and dad. “I thought I’d be meeting you under different circumstances, but,” Noel’s hand combs through Cody’s hair, “it’s nice to meet you both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's all i wrote, 60 pages deep into my google docs. i love racer noel so much, and i hope you do too, after all the bumps in this fanfiction. my life has been incredibly busy, which is why this took so long to finish, but i'm bustling with more tmg-related ideas and this is not the last you'll see of me on ao3. every title in this work is from the song 'waste' by brand new, every character and situation in this work is fictional, please do not show this to cody or noel or anybody related to them, you know how it goes. i proofread this by myself, so if there are any distracting mistakes please let me know and i'll try to fix them. i love feedback, so please let me know how this work made you feel, how this chapter made you feel in general, whatever! i appreciate you all so much, thank you for reading. catch me on twitter @lesbiansuki.


End file.
